February 6, 2015 - "Surgery #6, I KNOW what I would do..."

If I've learned anything at all, it’s to “never say never”. It’s so easy to find yourself thinking you know exactly what you would, or more likely wouldn't, do in any given situation. You watch your friend going through a life struggle and you have it all figured out for her even before she finishes telling you her challenge. It is so easy to think we have it all figured out or we know what is best for us (and for everyone else around me!). I know exactly how to raise YOUR kids. I know if he is the one you will be with this time next year. I know what you should say to your boss when he comes down with new demands. It’s amazing more people don’t consult me, right? In all honesty, deep down, I also know that if I sit back and really give it merit, I actually don’t KNOW any of that stuff at all. I certainly may not KNOW what is right for you. I may have inklings and discerning moments, but I never TRULY know what is the best path for someone else. Now, when it comes to ME, I certainly KNOW what is the right thing to do, right? Well, I’m even finding in that, I am not always as certain as I would like to be. Sometime life isn't so black and white and you just have to do the best with what you have at that given moment. It’s not a crap shoot. It can become an educated faith-approved selection after a period of time seeking wisdom and truth.

 So there Ron and I find ourselves at a decision crossroads. We have to decide what to do with this surgery decision. Surgery #5 had not resulted in correction, and we are left facing a more invasive repair. I admit that initially I was paralyzed by the task. I had told Ron back in November, when we discovered the issue, that I would have to be pulled kicking and screaming back into an Operating Room ( I KNEW exactly what I would not do. I was not going back to the OR.) And now faced with that decision in reality, clarity of what I KNOW was nowhere to be found. Frustration ruled my roost. Disappointment fueled my furnace. A swirling concoction of “are you kidding me?” rolled up with a fresh coating of “only in Sally’s world!” and a sweet and tangy glaze drizzle of “I just don’t want to. You can’t make me!” lay on my plate. This consumed me for days while I endorsed the avoidance approach of decision making. You’ve been there haven’t you? Staring a decision in the face but finding yourself so paralyzed by the decision itself that you end up falling into the passive decision abyss by not actively choosing anything at all. It’s very comfortable and yet quite uncomfortable all at the same time. Comfortable at really not having to make a decision at all, and uncomfortable at awareness that you chickened out in avoiding the decision all together. Avoidance is very unusual for me and in contrast to my instant gratifier approach to decision making. Seek wisdom-weigh the pros and cons- pick one-move forward-don’t second guess-don’t look back. This is how I do life. It’s my thing. I’m actually pretty good at it. I am rarely paralyzed by anything. So how come I was finding myself courting frustration paralysis and teetering on that abyss? And why now of all time? The only thing I could do was bundle myself up into a prayerful cocoon and wait it out. I waited for clarity and rational to arrive at the doorstep with discernment and confidence in tow. And I waited.

Surprisingly, only after a few days, it became very clear to me that waiting wasn't the track I should take. I was getting nowhere. Frustration will still planted on my welcome mat and it wasn't producing anything of merit. Get over it, Sally! The facts about surgery are there. They aren't going to change over time. No amount of waiting will change the pros and cons. I became acutely aware that frustration and disappointment was not to be waited out. What I needed to do was to make an active decision to put those negative influences in hindsight and choose purposeful clarity and rational thoughts. To me, this was to be an active process, not a passive one. Choose to let my emotions control me or choose to control my emotions. It was amazing how quickly God brought me peace in that, not only about the process, but also about the outcome. I was being nudged forward. It was almost as if the moment I decided to not let the emotions consume me, God replaced them with confidence and clarity. He made himself known reminding me that this is his story, and all I needed to be was faithful. Sometimes faithful takes you to place you might not would have chosen to go. And always does faithful trump anything you could come up with on your own. I’m not claiming faithfulness as in God chose for me to go through mastectomy surgery #6. I’m claiming faithful in that I will not make decisions under irrational fear or disappointment or frustration. I sought him when I started this journey so I will seek him now with next steps with how it unrolls. I can have confidence in the outcome and know that taking the easy passive route is not always the path to joy.

We became active. We put it all out on the table and flung away the fear and dread of another procedure. We got down to the core and let the rational juices flow. We didn't fear the drains or incisions (though I still readily admit a very strong dislike of them) and we landed with embracing them one more time. We tried the easy, which wasn't successful, and now we choose the more difficult and ask for God to be there with us. So to you, Surgery #6, we allow you to join this story. We know not what you hold but we ban you from inducing negative thoughts, fears, or frustrations. And if and when they seep in, we claim faithfulness, and joy, and wisdom, and discernment have been my guide. You have no power over me.

 Six more months to be surgery free and recover from this past surgery. I started in August, I hope to end with Surgery #6  in August when I will step into the arms of mastectomy and reconstruction just one more time. You make me weary, but you make me wiser.

(For more information on how we got here see previous post from January 22- “When Opposites Don’t Attract”. http://tradinginthetatas.blogspot.com/2015/01/january-22-2015-when-opposites-dont.html