January 22, 2015 - When opposites don't attract.

I have to admit I was really torn about releasing this post. I knew I wanted to write it, for myself and for clarity seeking, but I wasn’t sure if it was one I would put out there for others to process. Also, I didn’t know the correct timing of the post. Is it too soon to put information in front of others, particularly when I am still in the “sort” stage? But I wanted, at a minimum, to capture my immediate raw response. As I read other blogs about mastectomy, I see circumstance (this happened, that happened), dNates, time, places, facts, but I don’t often see emotion and I think recognition of potential emotions, risks, complications involved is important when evaluating whether you yourself want to choose this mastectomy path. I promised myself I would do what I could to open myself not only to recording the timeline of events but also how it impacted me as a unit and us as a family. That’s risky, I know. It opens myself to judgment of pity-seeking, or intense scrutiny of decisions, or floating thoughts of “who does she think she is?” all of which too often plagues the female community, but in contrast it also opens yourself to the kindness of great people. More importantly, it moves me closer to my commitment to God to do whatever he wants to do in all of this, including my writings. So I choose the latter two outweighing the inherent risk of the former several. My mother offered me the kindest response to my most recent hurdle when she said “…and my advice is, for me not to offer you any advice at all” followed by all the love a mother can offer. Ron and I want to sort for a bit, but my best advice to myself is Be still, and know that he is God. Then, the reminder of trust him in this story and let my faith be bigger than my fears.

Earlier this week I found myself back in that Lead Plastic Surgeon waiting room. This appointment had been planned for a 3 month follow-up from my most recent surgery. And there still, as if I hadn’t miss a day, sat the many faces of breast cancer. I’m very observant in this particular waiting room as I know I am absolutely surrounded by stories of hope, fear, passion, intensity, struggle, triumph…and the list could never end. I so very much want them to see the “you can do this!” in my eyes, and not the anxiety i was facing. So there I sit, just taking it all in. To catch you up, this past October I had a procedure to repair a “slipped implant”. It is the goal of an implant to stay exactly where it was placed. An implant tooth? You certainly don’t want it to find its way to your esophagus. And cochlear implants should be nice and cozy in your ear. So I could only assume a breast implant should want to stay on the breast where they were intended to be. That is a reasonable goal, right?

Back in November, I noticed something seemed “off”. As a reminder, last summer I had noticed my breast implant, while technically in my chest region, was subtly and then not so subtly traversing (slipping?) down my chest thus creating and ‘drunkard off kilter” appearance compared to the opposite side. It alone wasn’t so problematic because it almost made it more natural looking on that side (as opposed to the perky perfectly round boobs found in bikini swim suit shots), but because we have TWO breasts, you certainly want each of them to reside in the same general vicinity – not one up and one down. I reached out to the surgeon who confirmed that yes, the implant was not well supported by the chest wall and it was starting to slip (See posts from July 2014 if you want more details). So we planned a surgery for this past October to “tack up” the implant in a relatively simple procedure, knowing there was no guarantee it would work, but hoping it would so as to avoid a more invasive option which would increase my risk for infection (been there done that already the previous year).  What I didn’t divulge to you in much detail was the status of the opposite boob. More on that in a few.

Ok, so the procedure took place in October and now fast forward to November when I notice that the operated boob seemed a little “off”. While there were some things that were better, the overall “slipped” appearance remained unchanged- more specifically it  looked almost the exact same after surgery as it did before, minus a few improvements, thus I was suspecting a less than successful surgery. I promised myself to put it out of mind because we were entering the holidays and quite frankly I just needed a break from it all and would re-evaluate at my next appointment scheduled in January. There wasn’t a thing I wanted to do or confirm until then.

Now I sat in the waiting room with Ron for my follow-up appointment and then we get called back. My suspicions were correct, unsuccessful procedure, with the exception of a few minor improvements that I won’t really go into here. Stepping back to big picture, it wasn’t so much the slipped boob that was the issue. What I didn’t really divulge before was that it was so noticeably slipped because in fact the OPPOSITE side was starting to constrict upwards because of the formation of scar tissue at the incision sight. So when you put those two together, you had a slipped boob 1 on one side and a constricted scar tissued boob 2.2 on the other thus making it an unsightly mess. I could give you all kinds of mental images on the constricted side, but I will spare you. 

The goal was to fix the slip, because this was the easier and least invasive option with the least risk, with hopes of evening things out and also preventing worsening droop. We were successful in stabilizing the implant to prevent worse droop, but it didn’t lift up like we had expected. (Have I lost you yet? Hysterical! I am picturing your faces all scrunched up trying to follow all of this. See, I can still laugh at this if I step back to the 4500 foot level. I’m still very weeble-wobble-humpty-dumpty in the booby area. I'm pretty sure these impostors won't be making an appearance at mardi gras this year, though lead plastic surgeon gave me the complete go ahead. Rest assured, mom, it will never happen.)

Now that you are totally up to speed (or maybe wanting to stick forks in your eyes because this description is so confusing), to say I was a bit on the sad side would be a gross understatement. In contrast, to show how simple I can be, my prayer request to my mother prior to the appointment was not that God would fix the implant, but that he would give me the oomph to hold it together without crying during the appointment. It’s the little things, right? I admit I failed there, but that wasn’t God’s fault, I got the emotional crying gene when it comes to things like this. I am 100% hold it together in a high tense emergency situation, but stuff like this can make me tear up. I honestly simply felt the wind knocked out of me (which is strange because I already suspected this outcome), but the confirmation of my suspect had some definitive effects: sadness and the feeling of defeat. Then there was the anger of a wasted surgery and the realization of it having been a 5^th surgery. Not exactly wasted, some things were improved, but it still felt less than purposeful on many levels. Insert a little conflict on balancing choice, and on and on. My emotions were raw and I have difficulty trying to define those to you here, but I wanted to acknowledge them to show what an emotional roller coaster this mastectomy/reconstruction process is. However, I could claim faith in what I already knew – that those raw emotions would be temporary, the initial 24-48 hours of response, and then the rational would follow.  It always comes and clarity is approaching.

Now that I am approaching a more rational state, our very frustrating decision to make is to decide if I am willing to do the more invasive option, which we were originally trying avoid: open up the constricted breast, remove the implant, breakdown and remove the scar tissue, and put back in a new implant. Way different than just taking the skin and tacking it up as we did this last time on the other side. I have to weigh out the risk and benefit and make a choice, and if chosen determine when that timing would be (I need to go 6 months without a surgery! Is that too much to ask???),….and very simply just traipsing through another surgery. I'm frustrated!!!!

Clarity and wisdom. Putting that on God’s to do list. And also appreciating that my sphere of life feels lighter today than it did yesterday.Isaiah 40:31

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."



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