Good riddance, Breast Lump! Your job here is done. I am back home
with my feet propped up while Ron is outside staining the deck. (Poor Ron! I
may or may not have a huge grin on my face because I can’t participate). The
shocker of the day is I have laughed and laughed and laughed until my sides
hurt, all while having something cut out of me. You can thank Ron, you can
thank Lead Plastic Surgeon (LPS), you can thank Surgical Nurse, and you can
thank our cumulative warped sense of humor. This is how the day unfolded. We
arrived and we waited. Then we got called back to the procedure room. Then I
got undressed. Then I put on the hideous gown that I loathe….and then… the
laughter began. It started first when Lead Plastic Surgeon walked in the room
and I made him do his typical promises of “best work ever” (you will have to go
back to one of the six surgery day posts to understand the back ground on this).
Mind you, this was the 7th procedure ( #1 double mastectomy, #2 double
reconstruction, #3 cellulitis/infection debridement and implant replacement, #4
lipografting, #5 breast tack up for slipped implant, #6 scar tissue removal, and
now lucky #7 biopsy) all of which I made him promise to do his best work ever. So he got a chuckle when I told him I was
refusing to sign consent today until I had his promise once again for his work
to live up to my expectations. He rolled
his eyes, as he always does when I ask this, and made his promise complete with
a high five. (In all seriousness, you will never fully understand the fear I
had of mastectomy scars going in to all of this. The thought of those scars
would puddle me into tears after I made the mistake of researching them on the
internet. Trust me, scars have come a long way in the past decade so no worries
there. But my plea to him originated from an intense fear which later drifted to
an ongoing joke that he has to continually exceed his previous work with each
new surgery I found myself in.) With that squared away we could move on to
marking up the area with the trusty green sharpie and then insert the big old
needle to numb the area. Now while the ole sharpie markup and needle insertion
was going on, in order to distract me and my anxious state seeing a needle come
at my breast we all took guesses as to what we thought the lump was going to
be.
- Sally: Hubba Bubba Bubble Gum dropped in by LPS during the previous surgery.
- Surgical Nurse: The infamous Seinfeld Junior Mint.
- Ron and Lead Plastic Surgeon: They teamed up and decided it was a CIA tracking device for which LPS profusely apologized for as he never thought I would find him out.
Ron and him agreed his mistake was putting it on the top
side of the implant, where it now could be felt, rather than UNDER the implant.
They bantered this back and forth a bit longer than I expected actually, then
Lead Plastic Surgeon blurts out “Hey, did you ever see the game show “Let’s
Make a Deal?”. Well now we are picturing a boob with all of these random contents
in it being pulled out when Wayne Brady (in present day) asks for a pair of
panty hose, or a toothbrush, or a roll of scotch tape. We all lost it again in
barely controlled laughter.
Now before you scold me for this type of banter in a
professional environment, I want to remind you of a few things: 1) The patient,
in this case me, was fully involved and also the instigator. 2) I have had a
ridiculous week, having lost my beloved pet and after having waited 2 months to
know what this thing was in my chest, and I deserved a little laughter. 3) This
is my seventh procedure with this surgeon. Usually he sees his patients once in
the OR never to be seen again. Well, LPS, Ron, and I are on year 4 of our
surgical relationship and we have come a long way. 4) LPS has the same sense of
humor I do and it certainly tones down the fact that you are flashing your
breast to a room full of people. 5) I
needed to cut the tension I was feeling and what does that better than laughter.
Please know he is totally professional
until Ron and I push him not to be. (Side
Note: the surgical nurse who I was meeting for the very first time suddenly
exclaimed “I like her a good bit”, so she was ok with our banter and started
joining in after we egged her on). So it was a day of laughter and I really
needed that. After our laughter subsided a bit and before we started the actual
procedure itself, I pressed him for his
guess of what he really thought this was going to be. He voted on a cyst and I agreed that seemed
pretty reasonable based on how it felt. This is where he left the room because we
had to wait for the area to completely nunb (20 minutes).
Here I am perched up on the table in a gown under a blanket
and big OR lights while Ron decided he better run to the restroom before we get
started, not knowing how long it would take. I told him he better make sure he
takes note of which room I was in because the last thing he would want to do
would be to to walk back into the wrong room catching some poor unsuspecting
lady lying on a table. He responded with a gesture of holding his hand over
his eyes but peeking through and saying “Sorry M’am. But that’s good work!” (flashback
to the Christmas Boobs post from a few years back). Well, I just lost it all
over again. I was laughing so hard, no doubt everyone in the building could
hear me, and just when I would settle down the image would flash right back
into my head again and it would start all over. I was out of control laughing! Of
course that is the time Lead Plastic Surgeon and Surgical Nurse walk back in again
and then they started laughing too and it just went on. I again refer you back to the 5 reasons above
so you don’t pass judgement on our semi-unprofessional demeanor. I also want to
take this moment to apologize to anyone who is ready this blog for the very
first time. This isn’t my usual writing and you are not yet used to my candid
transparency.
Ok, so now back to the meat of it all and what you really
came here to find out.. Let me say, this procedure is not delightful. This was
the first time I was fully awake for a procedure. It almost took my breath away
with the pulling and tugging that goes on when you are looking for something
which requires a little digging around because you don’t know exactly what you
are looking for . In fact, I will call it pretty awful. The surgical nurse kept
asking me if I was ok seeing the look of dislike on my face. Bear down and get
through it was my response and my face reflected that! In addition, I kept
hearing the snip-snip of the tissue and the pulling of the skin….I almost lost
my lunch. I also was the perfect example of a 4 year old asking “Are we there
yet? Are we there yet?” over and over again as he continued to poke around.. But
then the glory happened when I heard him say “Sally, I found it. It’s the alloderm
sling.” (Go back to my August posts to better understand this and what that is).
The edges had in fact rolled up on itself and created a peanut shaped fold. He
bantered back and forth with us in the room trying to decide if he should cut
it out and I very firmly said “yes!” so he did. He found 3 additional spots that
had rolled up as well so to play it safe he cut all of those out too. So I will
now shout it from the roof top! There is no tumor! And the other silver lining
there is no need to send anything to pathology and no more waiting two more
weeks for results. We absolutely now know it is the sling! But you aren’t off
the case yet. We now need to shift our prayers that this won’t turn into an
infection. He exposed the area to open air so there is a risk that the breast
could get infected (this happened before for me after my first reconstruction
procedure) and we don’t want a repeat. He wants me to watch the area carefully. The stitches
will stay in place for 14 days and then back to see him again to check the area
and remove the stitched. Praises as this is the best news we could have gotten
today and even he was surprised at what he found. Feel free to clap loudly. This
is worth celebrating!
Shifting gears a little, I want to take you back to some
thoughts I have been having over the last 2 weeks (this is not necessarily for
the everyday reader but targeted for
women who find themselves in these situations. That is the whole purpose of my
blog, to equip you with information about mastectomy.) I almost blogged these
thoughts earlier in September in the middle of it all, but it didn’t happen for
whatever reason. I’ve been reflecting
back on this journey of 6 surgeries and now one scary moment of a breast lump
AFTER mastectomy. I’ve done lymphoma and that lymphoma took me to this high
risk of breast cancer, which took me to this double mastectomy, which took me
to the 6 surgeries, which took me to some very scary moments like the first
shower and now 4 years later a lump, which took me through so many roller
coaster emotions that I wasn’t prepared for in this journey, and which took not
only me, but my whole family, to places we never anticipated. Now, as I reflect
back and as I navigated the last 2 months specifically, I’ve started to see each of these moments as a
type of “controlled burn”. I am realizing how God takes us (as believers) or
allows us to go through some potentially scary and uncertain moments in life.
But unlike a deranged arsonist who is out to create burning flames invoking chaos
and evil resulting in mass devastation, instead, God (when we allow him) carries
us on a controlled burn with totally different outcomes. Let’s look at
controlled burns, as used in nature, specifically and literally for a minute.
They are known to:
·
Promote healthy regrowth
·
Reintroduce healthy nutrients back into the soil
·
Prevent massive uncontrolled fires with huge
devastation
·
Limit the spread of life-inhibiting plant disease
·
Reinstill forage for wildlife
·
Improve the habitat for endangered species
·
And the list goes on
There is so much richness there in the good of a forest fire,
when controlled and done in specified time frames compared to the harm of an unexpected
and uncontrolled wildfire. My mind has been mulling this around in how this is
applicable in my circumstances these last 4 years (and many more). Aren’t these
crazy moments in life the perfect breeding ground for promoting healthy
regrowth? Do we not come into the event haggard and full of burn out,
emotionally stripped down to the bare bones, and full of worry and fear? And
somehow, in the middle of it all, when we give over control we start to see
these subtle shifts in our maturity, understanding, and character? Do we not
often come out on the other side deepened with more layers and facets? Not
necessarily noticeable in the meat of it all but often when the emotions play out we can
see how the burn of life, when we place our faith in God’s plan, becomes a
controlled burn saturated and rich with benefits to us and those that go
through life with us? Whereas, when left
unchecked, our worry and fear instead fan
the flames and create dangerous shoot-out runners pushing out and away from “controlled”
and unfortunately in to a devastating uncontrolled spread. Any situation can start or become and
uncontrolled burn, particularly when left to our own vices, but we have the
choice to all God to orchestrate and refine us via a controlled burned. He can take what is intended for harm, from
living in a sinful world, and turn it into a controlled burn ripe with life
changing greatness. Don’t get me wrong, the ground is still burning. It’s sweltering
and unbearable at times (if not most of the time) on ground level. But as the fire spreads under His control, and
then recedes, and is finally extinguished you start to see sprouts of life
pushing up through the ash. I’ve said it 1000 times and believe it to my core
that if we push aside the worry and fear and instead cling to his promises
while we wait it out, His plan for our lives is 1 trillion times better than what
we map out for ourselves. God will bring blessing. And triumph. And PEACE! And
none of that relies on the circumstance itself, but rather our choice to let
him transition our moment to a controlled burn. I’m not saying this because I
got good news to day. It has been a whopping 4 years of less than ideal news.
But in these uncertain and scary moments God has created a Sally that I never
could have conjured up on my own. He has softened my edges and blunted my
sting. The burn of life has brought about regrowth. I’m a little less judgmental.
A little more understanding. Less afraid of chaos. More embracing of change. An
eager seeker of outcomes. More confident and accepting in my imperfections.
More resilient in my marriage. And the list goes on and on and on. I am
magnitudes better as a friend and a co-inhibitor of your biosphere that I ever
would have been before mastectomy….and reconstruction…and complications…and
infections….and lumps. (Side note: I am still fully flawed so this is not a personal
bragging fest of look how far I’ve come, but rather a testament of the growth that can when we
allow God to do his thing His way. I’m simply moving forward on a continuum and
if it can happen for me, it can happen for anyone.)
We don’t always have choice in what our circumstances will
be. Life is going to happen either out of our control or as a result of our
choices. But they key point is that it is either going to happen TO you, or it
is going to happen THROUGH you. We can be devastating, unpredictable, ravaging “uncontrolled
burns” foraging the forest on a path of mass destruction, OR we can embrace that
life doesn’t revolve around our greedy desires within us and instead trust God’s
plan for our life (come what may) so that he in turn can transition “uncontrolled”
into the most glorious opportunity for restoration, regrowth, weeding out, and
thriving that only He can bring. It’s a glorious thing. And mastectomy got me
here (coupled with many other things that have happened in life). I’m a better
version of me in a day by day trajectory to reflect less of my sinful nature
and more of what God created me to be. Hopefully, in the process I am also a kinder,
gentler, more understanding person in my relationship with you. I’m currently under construction and emerging
from a controlled burn. It’s been quite
the ride.
Words cannot describe how grateful I am you walked with me. Some
of you have been there since Day 1 – August 7, 2012. Others I have picked up
along the way as God joined our paths either over a blog page or in person in
everyday life. I am fully aware there were several times that some of you
individually and all of you as a whole carried me from one day to the next. This most
recent chapter is now closed. Praise God
that he not only he gave me this incredible outcome in having no tumor, but
praise Him for the cumulative journey this has been for me personally. I have
no idea if I am done. I thought I was done after surgery # 2. But I’m confident
in the plan.
(If you are still allowing me to ask you for prayer
coverage, pray that I remain infection-free. That was a really scary moment for
Ron and I and we don’t want a repeat. I’m also having a good bit of pain. And I
wasn’t expecting that).
To access previous blog posts - click HERE.
To access previous blog posts - click HERE.
