March 23, 2017 - If I end up losing it all

"If  I end up losing it all, but in the process still gain God, it is worth every minute." - Unknown

I’ve had this quote on my social media wall for years now. It’s my profile quote and has sat there speaking whatever it speaks on the side bar as “my statement”. We all have something, don’t we.  A verse.  A quote.  A pep talk. Something we keep on our mirror or tucked away in our bible, on our desk, flashed on our screens to say what we need to say exactly when we need to say it. Some of our mantras are statements placed as pep talks to ourselves when we are feeling exactly at our lowest. A little mental boost to pick ourselves up right when we need it (maybe our favorite bible verse). Other times our mantras are perfectly placed words proudly touting exactly what we have conquered (our marathon stickers on our cars or words we truly live by). Sometimes our words are perfectly positioned statements not to ourselves, but to the exact person across from us that we want to read (think of our political posts we carefully posted on our walls). What do you have? Bring it to mind. This one above for myself, it’s got me wondering. There’s nothing like a life altering event in your life to test your life quote. 

"If  I end up losing it all, but in the process still gain God, it is worth every minute."    Hummmm...

If you are a Christ follower and you do what you claim you do, put Christ above everything else, a life altering event will really come to test that commitment.  We are so careful to claim that we have our faith in Christ, and we do…right up until the moment our earth comes shattering down. When is the last time your faith has been tested? I don’t mean run of the mill I had a rough day testing. Though those days serve their purpose in teaching us to run the race of life. I mean when is the last time you had to dig deep and put it all on the line and trust God in your circumstance? Think back to that moment. How did you do? Were we willing to give it all up and give our all to God? Few, if any of us, have the Abraham moments of God calling us to the altar to lay down our sons (Genesis 22 – The story of Abraham and Isaac; Check it out. ). But let’s think about it. Maybe more of us have that circumstance than we realize.

Are we not called to give ourselves, our situations, our spouses, our children, our everything up to God on a daily basis? Are we not in every circumstance called to give ourselves to Christ and therefore choose his will for our lives over our own and that means in every circumstance, be willing to lose everything in order to gain God? We have to be careful in how we interpret that. We live in a fallen world. Humanity sinned. Therefore we live with the curse of sin in the world. The grace is Christ saved us in the end if we choose to believe he died in our place and choose to put our faith in Him. But as we are still on this earth we fall prey to choice and the outcomes of choice. There is cancer, there is horrific circumstance, there is the outcomes of choice, there is divorce, there is heart break, the list goes on and on, but as we find ourselves in circumstance, do we not find ourselves in relationship with God and therefore in the opportunity for the glory of God to be seen in circumstance? But how many of us truly see life that way? An opportunity despite circumstance to grow deeper in relationship with Christ.  And not only an opportunity, but at times, a calling. Ask Abraham.

Do we look at our circumstances as an opportunity (or even a calling?) for our relationship with God? Or do we get so caught up in the “woe is me” that we can’t see past that. Easy enough to say “yes” in the simple hardships of life. But what about the doozies. Can we really say we can walk away from everything for God, better yet that we would CHOOSE to lose it all for him? Or when not by choice and we find that we have lost it “all” do we find glory in God despite that?  It’s hard to say because so few of us have been in that circumstance before. But maybe we have been closer than we think. Maybe if we look at it differently we will see it better.

Reaction may be a good litmus test. Do we spend our lives seeing life as happening to us? If I look back at my life and see birth defect happened to me, lymphoma happened to me, prolonged singleness happened to me, so-and-so-broke-up-with-me happened to me, she-is-mad-at-me happened to me, mastectomy happened to me, fibrosis happened to me, Andy’s death happened to me….well, my whole life becomes about life happening TO me and me absorbing life’s crushing moments.  It could almost feel like a non-stop journey in life’s washing machine. And I’ve had the most beautiful life. What about the really difficult lives out there that are not so “beautiful” on society’s scale?  Let’s just look at one of those moments. I remember when I first was choosing mastectomy. There was a moment when I was driving in my car down the interstate when I really got angry. I was thinking how in the world after having already done lymphoma and chosen to go the radiation route instead of other treatment routes, that by now choosing that I now needed a double mastectomy. There was this bitterness. It was a moment of “God, you brought me out of lymphoma to THIS?” It was a ridiculous irrational isolated moment that spurred from anger. It served it’s purposed in my processing of thoughts, but in that moment driving down the interstate, I couldn’t see past yet another hardship in life happening to me. Do we find that we get so caught up in the bitterness of life happening TO us that we can’t see past what God wants to do IN and THROUGH us?  What about this. Fast forward now almost 5 years, if I had known then just how much mastectomy would change my relationship with God, with my husband, with my family, hey even with you that are reading this, well, I would have had a totally different thought process on that interstate. It wouldn’t have been another bitter “life is happening to me” moment. What if I in foresight, in faith, have a reaction of God drawing me through life and into him it  and it becomes this molding process of not shattering (life happening to me) in circumstance but creating (bring me through life) in circumstance? I think this become equally as crucial in hindsight looking back on circumstances of how I know view mastectomy in my rear view. Did it happen to me as an event that created another hammer dent in my timeline chiseling away at Sally? Or did God draw me through it as he grew me closer to the people around me and in relationship with him as he continues to create his version of Sally?

 Life happening to me is someone holding a hammer and beating away at a once whole Sally. God bring me through life is a Sally being built from the bottom up by the master creator.  Being built is a shaking process, but at its center is a strong hold.  Sometimes it is the difference between going forward and standing still. It’s a moment of hardship instead of a moment of absolute devastation. It most certainly separates happiness from joy. And it is the provider of hope instead of constant reactive searching.  Looking at some of my tougher moments in life I bet if I drill down deep, and I’m brutally honest with myself, I can determine if God truly is the center of it all.  Do I view those moments as life happening to me, or life happening through me with Him giving me life and purpose from the center out? I really do think there is a difference. And I really do think it’s a pretty good litmus test of how we view God and his role in our lives when the going gets tough.

Do you find your world crumbling when you find yourself in the middle of chaos? Or do you find yourself still centered and only your surroundings shaken? Do you find you whole world crumbling when you miscarry? Or do you find yourself still centered and only your surroundings shaken? Do you find you whole world crumbling when you find yourself living pay check to pay check or even without a pay check? Or do you find yourself still centered and only your surroundings shaken? Do you find you whole world crumbling in infidelity? Or do you find yourself still centered and only your surroundings shaken? Do you find you whole world crumbling when you _____ (fill in your circumstance? Or do you find yourself still centered and only your surroundings shaken? Do you find you whole world crumbling when you are called to take it to the altar? Or do you find yourself still centered and only your surroundings shaken?

Do I find my whole world crumbling when I lose my brother? Or do I find myself still centered and only my surroundings shaken?  

You see it’s not just about being ok on the other side. When have we ever not been ok, for the most part? It’s about finding your true center. Do we speak our mantras and post them on our walls and mirror, or do we truly live them when life comes to a fast halt? Will it be worth losing it all? Do i truly believe that? On some levels, mine was tested this year. I have some re-centering to do.  I’d say, that is exactly what should have happened: drawing nearing to him in the process.  Don’t be afraid to admit you need to re-center. And also don’t wait for your life altering moment to do it. Those will come, so you might as well start now and get a head start.

"If I end up losing it all, but in the process still gain God, it is worth every minute."    That was a bold statement for me to quote several years ago.  Learning it takes more than talking the talk.

James 4:8 - Draw Near to God and he will draw near to you…

To access previous blog posts - click HERE.

March 14, 2017 - The only acceptable option here

I’ve sat down to write on numerous occasions, but each of those posts have been left unfinished. It’s been almost a month since I’ve finished something (A safe place to land). Almost a month and half since I’ve written on this topic (Traumatic Grief). Now that I’ve written, I leave a similar disclaimer as I did before. This post is not intended for everyone as it contains some details of my brother’s death. It may help you to continue to read. Or, you simply may not be ready for this information as of yet. If you are unsure, have someone you know and trust read it for you first and let them help you decide. If you are a teenager or younger, maybe have an adult help guide you as to whether you should continue to read. Please trust me in that, I have your best interests at heart. I write not only to help me in my journey, but also to maybe help others in theirs.

I knew I would need to revisit this topic again because there simply is a lot there, but the trouble with grief, and particularly traumatic grief (if you missed the first post and need the background on this, you can find that Here - Traumatic Grief) is that you have to relive the moment to go back and discuss it. So even as I type words here on this page I am putting myself back into the places I am not necessarily wanting to be. It’s not ideal, so I had to wait until a safer time to write. It’s been 2 months since Andy left us. But I had 42 years of Andy, so 2 months is simply a tick mark on that scale. To me, he left me yesterday. “Yesterday” changed me for forever. A few weeks ago I had to travel for business and I was smack in the middle of figuring out how to deal with my trauma grief. My brother had died a tragic accidental gun related death a few weeks prior and I had not yet fully figured out how to process that. I found myself steamrolled not only THAT he had in fact died but also HOW he had died, and now I was somehow re-living that detail over and over in my head for hours on end. I could be vacuuming my house and I would find myself in the front seat of the car with Andy as he grabbed his coffee cup and laptop and then his bag and then…., or I could be driving to work then getting out of my own car and then be right there with Andy in his car……, or I could be lying in bed in the middle of the night and I would find myself covered in Andy’s blood unable to revive him. Those are the unprompted examples. Worse, there are prompted examples because those are sudden and tend to go to darker places. Prompted examples are scenes from TV shows, discussions in everyday conversations, news stories, story-lines from books that remind you of whatever trauma you are experiencing. Prompted or non-prompted it is a reality you are bombarded with while navigating traumatic grief and it’s tough because some you can control and some you can’t. And you are about to see just how much it floods your world. A few weeks ago as I was trying to re-incorporate myself back into my life after Andy’s death, I was traveling alone for the first time and in that short 48 hour trip this is how that unfolded:

• On my way to the airport, I stopped for lunch, grabbed a table and ordered my meal. As soon as it arrived a group of 3 people sat in the booth behind me. Their occupation: Shooting range employees. For the next 30 minutes they discussed targets, bullets, how bullets exploded on impact, and various aspects of such. For the next 30 minutes, I forced myself to keep the contents of my stomach and my eyes in their respective locations. 

•  I arrived at the airport and while in the security line stood next to 2 border patrol (?) agents with guns on hip in line next to me. Seeing those flashes of metal on hip, immediately turned to Ron and said our key word (yes, we now have a key word) so he would know we need to start talking about any topic at all – well, I realized Ron wasn’t with me. 

• While at my gate, I met the most delightful lady who wanted to engage in conversation about her husband who had recently died unexpectedly – we spent the next 30 minutes discussing such. But we were talking about a husband who recently died unexpectedly.

•  Somehow when we boarded the plane, her seat got changed and she ended up next to me and wanted to know all the details of my brother’s death (this ended up being ok, but I end up answering a few more questions that I was comfortable answering at her request; and as soon as she heard it was accidental it really went from there).

• I arrive at the airport to get in a cab who had the news on discussing all kinds of violent stories in the newscast. 

• The book I took with me on my trip – my “safe to read” book opened with a gun scene as I didn’t realize the main character was a cop. 

• Arrive back from my trip, get in the car, turn on the radio “women shot when dog jumps on night stand and dislodges boyfriends gun…” turn off radio. 

The point of this “bullet point” list is you can’t escape your “triggers” no matter how well intended you are.  See, you can say "let's bite the bullet and get it done"... well, that's a trigger to someone whose brother died from a gun shot wound. It's simply every where. And this is my list from only 48 hours. What about yours? Your list, if you have traumatic grief, could be larger than mine in a day’s time frame. This I know: I go to the store to buy my next “safe” book and find out “a Man called Ove” spends the entire book talking about his dead wife and trying to find a way to join her. Nowhere on the book jacket is any of that said. Or I want to invest in my friends and they want to talk about what is going on in their lives which may include an “unsafe” topic for me, or I need to round on my patients at work and that includes dealing with death and dying.

But really let’s face it: I can’t avoid funerals forever. I can’t not ever ride in a white BMW again. I can’t not park next to a Tesla ever again. I can’t not carry a laptop around with me because he was when he died. I can’t avoid THAT section of town. I can’t avoid THAT restaurant forever. I can’t not go to the mall because his favorite store is there. I can't not watch that show because it was his favorite. I can't not look at those pictures because he's in them too. I can't look not look at that document because it now says Andy's estate. I can’t be mad at you because you are mad at him. I can’t never cook those steaks in my freezer for the rest of my family because he was supposed to eat them with me. You simply can’t stop the world from spinning and you can’t live under a rock forever to keep the conversations under control, and you can’t avoid the street your brother died on, and you can’t never step foot in his house again even though that brings you to your knees…………………. You simply can’t. (Note: some of this list above shifted away from trauma grief and into routine grief. Don't confuse the two as they are very different.)

So if you can’t…you certainly have to figure out how you can. And that is what I have been spending my time doing. The level of trauma has changed from hour 2 to hour 24 in that I have gotten better at forcing myself through it. In hour 2 of “yesterday”, just hearing the word “gun” spoken could send me into the corner of a room in tears. Now in hour 24, I can hear (I know when to close my eyes) a shooting on the television screen and still continue with the show. My heart beat rises in my chest and my adrenaline rushes, but you would never know. In hour 2 of “yesterday”, I couldn’t drive onto the street where he was killed without melting into tears. Now in hour 24, I can drive by the scene and glance at the parking space and continue driving. Bile rises in my throat and water fills the lid of my eyes, but you would never know. In hour 2 of “yesterday”, I had to leave the table when you spoke of your son going to target practice. Now in hour 24, I can sit through the conversation and nod my head. Inside my head I have tuned you out and am thinking about what I have to do after work tomorrow until you have finished speaking, but you would never know.

Hour 2 was about how I can’t. Hour 24 has become all about how I can. It’s a process. Not a 23 hour process as represented on this “my brother died yesterday figurative continuum” but in that in these almost 9 weeks I’ve moved from crumpling in the floor at the reminder of the trauma of how Andy died to now slowly returning to television, books, conversations, and outings. I visited Andy’s grave a few weeks back, and I actually did go sit in the parking spot in which he died a few days ago. I’m still traumatized on the inside, though less as my heart and mind have found safer ground, but more functional on the outside. I imagine maybe even “tomorrow” I can actually listen in full to your conversation as you tell me about your son’s target practice, because in time, all things heal. There will remain a scar, but we do in fact heal and almost always function again.

Why am I telling you this? Because no one is talking about it. I had never heard of it or wasn’t exposed to it before “yesterday”. You may find yourself here and I don’t want you to be caught off guard when you suddenly find yourself needing to ask the waitress to change tables and everyone else at the table looks at you like you’ve lost your mind. You haven’t. And don’t second guess yourself for needing to ask your friend to change the topic of conversation. It’s ok for some things to be “off limits” for a while until you heal. You need to be ok and proactive with setting some boundaries. You’ve probably never had to do that before, but now is the time to be bold and step out and say this is ok, and this is not ok until further notice. You are just processing some things you have never had to process before. What has helped me the most? Surrounding myself with people who are praying me through it. Don’t do this alone. I have a small group of women who I update regularly. They check in on me, they give me words of encouragement, and when I am having a tough “trauma” day, they pray me through it. I’ve surrounded myself in a wise counsel of Christ-centered women who have proven to have my best interests at heart, who have supported me when life has thrown me the tough curves, and who have sought God’s ways over their own way. They’re my trauma team. And I know when life comes at me again in the future, they will be there for that too. For now, their only task is praying me through this trauma grief and it has turned this experience completely around for me. I’m relishing in Hour 24 because of their steadfast prayer.

Andy died “yesterday” and it is a day that has changed me forever. Still, there is so much left to do “tomorrow". What choice do I have left but to rummage through this trauma grief with my team in tow? So I’m pushing out the “I can’t” because “I can” is the only acceptable option here. I want to leave you better prepared should you find yourself here. There is only one way to do this and that is with someone else. Trust me on that one.



To access previous blog posts - click HERE.