I've used this analogy before, but it's a descriptive way of explaining it to someone who hasn't been there and I was reminded of it again last night when we were checking on the incision. Having an impostor boob/implant/reconstructed breast, while you actually do have a boob, it is not your boob. The best way I can explain it is for you to picture your hand. You grew up with your hand, you watched it grow, you can mentally picture the knuckles and folds. You can see the taper of each finger and the lines of the palm are etched vividly into your mind. You know the softness of it's skin. You see how it resembles that of your mother's. You know the exact ridges of the thumb nail that gives you trouble when applying polish. It's been your hand for 30+ years. Love it or hate it, it's familiar and it's yours.
Now imagine you have an accident and you lose that hand. You require amputation, but the surgeon is very skilled and can recreate a new hand for you. For him, it's a masterpiece. It's perfectly functional (almost). The coloring is correct. The size is virtually the same. It is a beautiful hand because it's newer and has less wrinkles and no age spots. It's a newer version of its former counterpart. But no matter the amazing improvements or awe of someone being able to craft a new hand and no matter the delight of having a new hand because having no hand introduces new dilemmas, it very simply put is not YOUR hand. Sure, it's a great hand. Truly a piece of art. But it is different. And not what you have known for so many years.
Such is the case with new breasts. They are breasts and in many ways a newer improved version (less droopy), but they lack the familiarity and even some function of the previous tenant. My right breast has now been replaced 3 times (initial implant placement, infection then removal and replacement, and now scar tissue removal and replacement). And despite being replaced with the exact same size and style of implant (High Profile Smooth Round Gel Implant) inevitably every single time it's like getting a new hand. There is new wrinkling as the implant may sit 3 cm to the left of where it did before. There is new tension under the skin as the implant creates a change in pressure. It's perfectly fine and doing it's job exactly as it should, but it is .....different. And honestly, you just don't expect that.
So last night, as we are doing our nightly "boob check" (oh the fun in that! I'm grateful those can soon take a back seat in our day), I noticed there is a new "wrinkle" (not the best descriptive term, but it is all I have that is close in what I see) in version 3 that wasn't there in version 2.1. There is nothing wrong with the wrinkle, it's simply new and admittedly unexpected. You would think same implant out and back in would create the exact same results, but it doesn't. Neither did 2.1 compared to 2.0. I'm luckier than some in that I was able to have skin sparing reconstruction, in that truly the outside of the breast is virtually the same as it was before mastectomy, just now with the addition of scars. Many women don't have options for skin sparing, so the entire boob is new. The fat (or implant whichever is the case), the skin, and the nipple are all recreated by the surgeon. I imagine in those cases it feels and looks even more different than what I experience. Still regardless of the reconstructed style and while it's truly a miracle that you have a new breast, you are acutely aware it is new and a change from what you had before. And it serves as another reminder of what all has been done in this short amount of time.
I'm so very grateful for these breasts. They are truly a surgical gift in re-establishing a sense of femininity and normalcy. I don't want to discredit that. Once you go without breasts, you appreciate that gift back to self even more. Yet I'd be amiss to not admit there is a slight mourning of the old. They were clunky, irregular in shape, dis-proportioned, and over time droopy, but they were very much yours and had been with you through the awkward stages of "butterfly bras" and adolescence. And once gone, they are missed. It's subtle, but it is there. And it's always intriguing to see where the difference lies after each procedure.
I have a perfectly new hand. I'm beyond grateful for it. One day I will know it as well as the previous tenant. Until then, it's just new.
