Day 75: This is not new information to most of you since a majority of you reside on social networking, but I am ecstatic to report that as of yesterday’s check my wound is dare I say “healed”! I snapped a picture of it last night and emailed it to Lead Plastic Surgeon for his view point and got an immediate reply of “Hooooraaaayyyy!!! See you in December!” I get to skip this week’s scheduled appointment and forget about the drama of boob appointments combined with show and tell for two whole months. Two months of no appointments. That’s like a normal life again! What’s a gal to do? Ron and I slapped each other a celebratory High-Five, bore huge grins on our faces, and fell asleep out of exhaustion. We promise to celebrate more enthusiastically in upcoming days when we’ve caught up on some much needed sleep. So there you have it, another closed chapter of this mastectomy journey. In fact it may be a closed book or at least a book with limited (yet to be written) chapters remaining. Some swelling still to resolve, stamina and muscle strength to be regained, self-assurance to continue to heal, but for all practical purposes I am now a woman who chose, endured, and conquered fairly unscathed the incredible journey called prophylactic double mastectomy with a semi-delayed reconstruction.
I’ve admitted it before but say it again here that no one could have fully prepared me for these last 11 weeks. I’m in part to blame as I did a pitiful job of preparing myself. I do a better job of prepping myself for grocery shopping than I did this surgery mainly out of naivety, but I’d be foolish not to admit some level of denial in the days leading up as well. So there in lies my first tidbit of advice….get some information before you embark. Find information for yourself and also for your spouse or caregiver. I know each journey can be vastly different from another, but any information can form a framework to build on. I could not foreshadow to what degree these few months would challenge me and throw into question or provide confirmation of my thoughts and security in just about anything from faith, friendship, femininity, sexuality, emotional involvement in healing, and the list goes on. There were those early weeks in July (not directly reflected in my updates) where we truly had to rely on God’s guidance in a very murky decision point. There were worries of insurance coverage, reliance on prayer, the testing of conventional thoughts of healthcare, the testing of beliefs of what I ever would or would not do in my lifetime. One Thursday (see post “how this all came about”) life went from tried and true to a case of “what in the world?” in a few short hours.. We had a quick reminder of how in a moment’s time your journey can be thrown into an unexpected course of fear, unknowns, and even a little amazingness tossed in for good measure. I had moments, particularly in August, where every sense of self control and strength came into question (flashback to that first shower or the day the vest came off in the post titled “Day 0 Part 2”). The strong woman who had made up the core of Sally was nowhere to be found or was at least was precariously perched on the edge of hard-to-find during many days of the weeks no gone by. The woman who knew how to think rationally and control all emotion had temporarily flown the coop. Likewise, I saw pieces of myself I had never seen before or even knew existed. In this came a wake-up call highlighting human vulnerability and the powerful emotions of the subconscious. I’m a better person for those moments, no doubt, but boy did they catch me off guard in the midst of it all. I’m certainly a better clinician, a better wife, and dare say a better friend as a result. And I’m more in tune with the Sally God created me to be for he chose this exact moment very purposefully for whatever outcome. I’ve been stretched to say the least.
I’ve shared this extremely personal journey for so many reasons, most of which were not revealed to me until after the fact. Originally, I sought to advocate for women in similar shoes. I wanted to empower them to speak out about something that seems way more natural to hide under a t-shirt. Give prophylactic mastectomies and the women behind them a voice. I had stood too long in ignorance about this procedure and the heavy emotions that can encompass it. Too often, fear and embarrassment become a powerful motivator to climb under a rock and endure life alone, but the acknowledgement of God choosing every single moment in time (both amazing and unbearable) for a very specific purpose can empower you to step outside a comfort zone with what normally would be a very personal journey. Your experience can become someone else’s motivation. Second, I needed an emotional outlet to get all of these crazy thoughts out of my head. In fact, it became very therapeutic for me to spill out the contents of this over-stuffed head and let them fall as may without much regard for those reading. I received encouragement from you like never before and quickly realized we were all going through my mastectomy together. My transparency involved you. And in return, you involved yourself. To quote one of you “I have laughed with you, I have cried with you”…. “and found myself seeking something greater in and outside of myself”. Some of you were even motivated into action - myself included. Third, I found some restoration through my writing. I don’t know the why, but this all seemed more bearable through the humorous vantage point the blog forced me to take (see Day #30 -card carrying member). Maybe you found some restoration in your own story as well as you read and experienced mine. Our struggles, our triumphs, our journeys are not our own but a testament to God’s kingdom changing plans through us as vessels. And along the way, we find a little more of ourselves and those around us in return.
I’ve come to a long awaited end of a chapter. My journey was much shorter than others out there, but it seemed a lifetime. Eleven short weeks that spanned an emotional eternity. I absolutely made the right decision in plunging forward with this decision, but oh how it impacted me. I hope God has great plans for this outcome. I trust that he chose me for a very specific purpose. Thank you for letting me spill out the intimate moments of the last 11 weeks. Thank you for continually supporting me through the images of the mirror, the woes of pesky little drains, the tears of success, the fears of potential failure, the embracing of impostors, the battles against Spot, and now the triumph of being on the other side. I am blessed beyond measure and hope you’ve seen a little bit more of Sally and just maybe a whole lot more of God as a result. Thank you for letting me be real and in turn you hanging on to each word. You gave me motivation to put down the personal barriers and show you at least one side of an extremely challenging moment in my life. One more notch on Life’s to-do list accounted for. We did it and to God be the Glory as I surely could not have done it alone.
Smooth, round, high profile gel Implant. The things I never knew before.
(P.S. I promise to update you again if any changes or worthy updates occur).
