It’s so easy in this life to find yourself on any given day
feeling rugged. It’s a ruggedness of being worn out, emotionally drained,
emotionally conflicted, physically challenged, and on the verge of being out of time for the monstrosity
of the never ending to-do list. All
while attempting to raise little ones with any chance of them being
contributing members to society. All while wondering where our time goes when
we are single and working hours on end. All while being married and trying to pull together 2 schedules into one. All while approaching mid-life, or
passing mid-life, and looking back and wondering what we have to show for it
all. There is nothing like navigating mid-life to get our attention around the
value of life’s accumulations.
I’ll venture a guess to say that on top of this incredibly chaotic life we spend so much time building for ourselves surrounded with a calendar
so overflowing that that no one would envy, a work ethic over shadowing our
home ethic, and such a sense of imbalance that we don’t even know what comes
next, that most, if not all of us, would describe ourselves as lonely. I ask
myself how in the world we could ever be lonely with a calendar overflowing
with tasks. How could we be lonely when we are surrounded by person after
person in this place of work? How could we be lonely with the constant
bombardment of events, and sound, and cohabitation? How could we be lonely with
a spouse and 2.5 kids? Yet it is exactly what we are, isn’t it? Lonely. And burned out. And run-down.
It’s evident as we navigate challenges, and we long to
dialogue the experience with women that we trust. It’s evident when we are
confronted with heartbreak, and we long for the phone to ring with someone
calling to check in on us. It’s evident when we see fellow friends showered
with attention during loss, and we long for attention ourselves as we mourn in
silence. We don’t want more tasks or things. We don’t want more calendar
commitments. We don’t even want another
acquaintance. Rather, we crave to our core people that bring value and who are
willing to do the tough road with us. Doesn’t it really simply come down to the
fact that we crave authentic relationship? And as we search this out we ebb and
flow in this rat race of the American Dream in hopes of finding a reasonable
substitute that will give us a sense of value, a value which we didn't realize was intended to come
through relationship. But with that missing, we fill the void with
a to-do list, one more vacation, another night on the town ,
just one more accolade for our children, or one more promotion while spending
our days away in the cinder block lined hallways. We are shoving our lives so
full with substitutes that instead of coming out on the other side purposeful
and recharged as genuine relationship can bring, we come out in a perpetually starved
substituted version of our selves. And there is no wonder we suddenly find
ourselves worn out, emotionally drained, emotionally conflicted, physically
challenged, and out of time.
So having pondered this for days/months/years on end, and as
midlife has not only knocked on my door, but somehow been invited in, I find
myself still floundering in finding the fix. Having accumulated all that this
life can offer, how do I better focus myself on what life was intended to be
and encompassing more of relationship and less of things? It’s not as if we can snap our
fingers and “poof!” genuine relationships are on your front porch. Yet we live
our lives as if they do, sitting in wait for our best of friends to gather at our
doorstep. And it’s not as if what genuine relationships we do have will meet every
need of every circumstance, though we wait in anticipation of unsubstantiated proof
that they do. After much churning of thought and reflection, I think the
culprit lies in that fact that we have become passive in an active process. We
sit in constant wait for something to happen TO us. We wait for people around
us to prove their self-worth. We lie in the shadows of life and anticipate
someone else coming to our rescue in our hour of need. And THIS is where I find
that I have been fully in the wrong. And THIS is where Christ is growing my
heart. It’s not a revelation of any sorts. You’ve heard me type similar words
on similar pages. It’s my awareness that deepens as I continue to ponder and thus hopefully propelling
me into action: I want/need/should/must model what it is that I think I want from other
people. Instead of unrealistically setting a list of expectation of what I expect from people around me, I imagine I am much better served
to place those expectations on myself in proof of their worth. It removes the focus
off of what others are or are not doing for me, and instead pushing me to focus
on what I am or am not doing for other people. For do genuine relationships come not
from waiting for them to happen, but rather in my active pursuit and
nourishment of those around me.
Loneliness is not a place I one day am surprised to find myself, but rather a place
I most likely cultivated for myself by my lack of action and investment in others. This statement isn’t absolute, I know, but
I would say it is a huge contributing factor at the very least. I know this
that God will provide my every need, even in loneliness. His is a Hope that will
anchor the soul (Hebrews 6:18). But God also created the value of earthly relationship that
doesn’t replace His, but instead embellishes this life on this side of heaven.
So while I can sit back in the Hope He offers, I can also nourish this life
with the joys that genuine relationship here on earth can bring as well. And it
deserves to be actively cultivated, sought out, and nourished (not to be replaced by an enticing substitute) for lying in wait simply
leaves us….Lonely.
I’m asking myself how can I expect less of others around me
and more of myself instead. How can I accumulate less tasks, things, accolades,
and instead better cultivate myself for genuine relationship? How do I leave time in my life so it can be spent with people in a sense of community, and not running the rat race we set up for ourselves? It’s a long process of
ups and downs, but it is certainly worth the pursuit. There’s proof in the
pudding. I’m stirring my pot.
To access previous blog posts - click HERE.
To access previous blog posts - click HERE.
