Last night was not an ideal night. A frustrating thing leading up to a mastectomy related procedure is it pulls you right back into the initial event. I can't blame my crappy evening on mastectomy as that seems too vague, but I can and do blame it on my awareness of what is to come. I was having a terrific week for all practical reasons and then wham! Thursday evening arrives and I'm fully aware surgery is less than a week away all because of the calendar flipping to a new day. That was the only change and it plummeted me into ugliness, the mood being so foul I sent myself unexplained to my room to regroup.
I placed myself on the bed, under the covers, away from my household and brewed while fears floated right to left, back to front, up to down. The thoughts of soon having to wake Ron up to take me to the bathroom got under my skin. The need to have him lift me up and down from the couch subdued me. The awareness that bandage care would be scheduled and tears would flow plopped right into the middle of my perfectly fine evening just thirty minutes before. I could only see the trials, not the triumph and it sucked everything out of me rather quickly. I couldn't even admit it to Ron, as it felt so trivial and embarrassing to have found myself in this place all because the calendar date did exactly what it was intended to do...change.
It's real and it's primal and it doesn't have to have a reason. Just three days ago I was celebrating my perspective. Pride before the fall, huh? But here it is, the rollercoaster of feminine thoughts and emotions, and sometimes you just find yourself on the ride strapped in and under the influence of it's g force. You rationally comprehend the absurdity of the moment, but you are buckled in and fail to get off. I'm not the only one that had found myself there, and sadly that provides me some comfort.
Full-disclosure and an accurate vantage point of the face of mastectomy. Sometimes there is laughter, sometimes not so much. I am where I am and that status point changes a lot this week. But thankfully the ride stopped after my slumber and now I'm just left with the lingering after thoughts. I credit prayer and thankful to those who provide it in real time at beck and call.
