Day 56: Mom gently reminded me that people are asking where my posts are. I guess working all day and coming home exhausted has left my computer screen neglected. Also, there isn't as much change from day to day this far out, so I didn't know how much people wanted to keep up with. But the people have spoken so here you go.
Last night, I slept on my side. Now to the majority of you you are thinking "what's the big deal"? Well, let me tell you it is very much a big deal to a woman status post reconstruction. You've read the endeavors of my nightly rituals of late with 14 pillows, numerous rearrangements, grunts of discomfort, and restriction to back sleeping only. Well 2 weeks ago, Lead Plastic surgeon lifted those restrictions and it has taken me 2 full weeks to be able to actually take him up on his oh so kind offer of resumption of side sleeping. It's been way too painful to put prolonged pressure on either side with the drain incisions being right below the arm pit, and impostors glued in place under stretched pectoral muscles and synthetic slings. Rolling on the left or right side could send one into a fit of anguish and choice words only to 1.5 seconds later find yourself on your back once again (if you ever made it off the back to being with). Two nights ago, I tested the side again and would make it about 15 mins before having to flip back over. Last night, at least an hour on each side. You will recall historically I am a side sleeper so this is a nice triumph to me. One more to-do list task checked off as successful and a much happier version of me with a better night of sleep. I'll add that the ultra firm (sleep on a slab of concrete) mattress may be due some credit as well, at least for improved back pain that has been plaguing me since the mastectomy surgery. Not so sure Ron is happy with the insertion of concrete into our slumber, but we are still testing that out. I have to remind him he was only invested financially in the mattress purchased and said "pick whatever you want. I can sleep anywhere." There may be an egg crate foam purchase in our very near future.
I know I took six weeks off of work. I know I was confined to extremely limited activity during my house arrest. I know I slept an enormous amount of time during that break. BUT I KNOW I need a vacation to get away and actually have some leisure time with Ron that I might actually enjoy. So we are searching for something within driving distance we can feasibly go to without forking out an arm and leg leaving Friday after work and coming home Sunday evening. Our anniversary is October 11, and we always travel by plane to some exotic location for our anniversary. So I am really bummed we can't do that this year. 1) I have no time off. And I mean none. 2) The surgery hit our pocket books. 3) The mastectomy recovery took way longer than I had led myself to belief up front. I am wanting to find something close by we can go to get away and enjoy some Ron/Sally time. I owe it to Ron after all the things he has had to do that "were not in the initial marriage contract". Clean wounds, share not so fun showers, endure emotional outbursts, bathroom time, appointment after appointment. emptying drains, change bandages, and the list goes on. I've decided I deserve time away too for good measure. We are kicking around Williamsburg. Have you been? Did you love it? What must we absolutely not miss? Let's hope we figure something out. I want to have that to look forward to in coming weeks. I definitely took my 8 weeks of vacation a year for granted now that they are all gone.
The Spot. It's still there. I think it has a fondness for me that I'm sad to report is not shared in return. In fact, I detest him. I tell him daily yet he still clings to the hope of a lasting meaningful relationship. He just can't take the hints! I'm thinking about sending it to counseling for dependency traits. Despite my careful and routine attempts to bandage and clean him out of existence he still looks the same to me that is has for the past week. I am refusing to go to the Surgeon's office today for my sanity. It's been 3 weeks that we know of. And this thing did not pop up over night so I am guessing we have had this little pesky wound for 4 weeks now. But it isn't worse according to the surgeon so I made and executive decision and am taking this week off. A week with no Doctor's appointments! Sign me up! Maybe a return of dignity is in my future when all is said and done.
So we bought pumpkins. Did I already mention that? I was like a kid in the candy store. We went to the farmer's market Sunday afternoon and you would have thought Ron was the parent and I the kid. I kept going from this one to that one getting Ron to pick them up for me to survey. That one is too tall and skinny. That one too flat. That one is adorable with it's quirky stem. I've already admitted I have some commitment issues when it comes to picking stuff out (flashback to the mattress selection process and you should see me with a restaurant menu). In the end, we got 3 to carve and 2 for decor in the kitchen. Thought I would have to talk Ron into that part but he was all on board. Have you seen the Apple Gourd Pumpkins? I just adore those. And it goes perfectly on my counter. We haven't been able to carve any yet. And come to think of it, I don't think I will be able to carve for a few more weeks. I struggle to even cut up a potato into wedges for roasting for dinner right now. I didn't realize how much you use your pectoral muscle with slicing and chopping. Let's just say me and the knife are struggling together. He just wants to do his job. I just want to be successful at chopping something. I can't imagine that gutting out a pumpkin and carving out a face are going to go over so well with said pectoral muscle. He rules my movements right now, and I miss my old willy nilly freedom to do just about anything I wanted. Maybe in a few weeks. So for now, they sit as harvest decor and will later hopefully morph into lanterns of fright.
One funny thing that may be too much information for a few of you....as I was walking on the treadmill this week- yes, I decided to give it a whirl again - I noticed that while the majority of my body moves around with each step, these impostors stay firmly (pun intended) in place. I couldn't help but cackle. Just another thing I didn't know before this mastectomy journey and the list is getting long. Where was the brochure that talked about all of this stuff? You know what else? While some parts of the impostors are numb which by the way is way, way, way weird, other parts have heightened sensitivity. I've mentioned that some in the past, but it still catches me off guard. I totally know how one woman put her impostor in a bowl of soup and had no idea. I had a similar experience with a steaming pot last week. I didn't know I was leaning over the steam until my face started hurting. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for these things because the concave chest didn't work out so well for me and they do the trick, but that doesn't mean I don't notice the weirdness of it all.
Things I took for granted. What else do you want to know? Submit your questions. = )
