“We magnify the
obstacles in front of us and instead minimize the powers and promises of God.
It’s time to step out on faith and instead magnify God in the obstacle.”
This was my revelation this past week as I was perfectly
placed at just the right moment to hear these words. I spent the next hour
writing this down in journal style and mulling over the guts of the sentence. I
am certainly wishing I had received this little nugget a few months (and
years!) back, but the timing was perfect in its own way as I have been
purposely and proactively cultivating my heart these past few months. More
specifically, I’ve been navigating this ongoing realization that my reactions
during perceived chaos/obstacle can powerfully dictate, both positively and
negatively, everything moving forward. Simply put, I often set the wrong tone for my obstacle.
If there is anything I am guilty of in hardship, it is in
being reactive. I first learned this about myself a fews years back in my job,
but later drilled down to see this existed in a more powerful way personal
life. When someone says something harsh to me, without thinking it through or getting
to the core of it, I immediately fall to the defensive. When my character is
second guessed, I immediately jump in to defend myself. A project falls apart,
I dive in head first with some sort of fast paced off the cuff reaction. Insert
Event, Insert Sally’s reaction. In a
moment of hardship, I’m learning this is not my most stellar trait. I’ve successfully
reformulated this in my professional life to work for the positive instead of
the negative, but I am still in the reformulation stages in the non-work areas of my life.
Reactivity can be great in a moment of celebration or in
response to someone else’s need. You are celebrating a moment in life, woo hoo,
I am right there to be excited with you. Bring out the balloons and cake and
let’s do that right now without delay! When someone has a physical or emotional
need, I am happy to jump right in and see what I can do. You lost your job? I
am immediate in my response of ok, how can we get you through this? Those are
all positive examples of how being reactive can push me forward in a productive
and triumphant motion. I love this trait of reactivity when it produces a
positive outcome. But let’s turn those tables for a moment. Insert an obstacle,
a diagnosis, a let down, a not-so-good surprise that affects ME and we will see
that reactivity in a whole new light.
I recall driving down the highway one night after work 4
years ago. It’s funny because in hindsight I have no idea where I was going.
And that seems strange to me because this isn’t a road I travel often after
work, so one would think I would have the destination figured out, but it
alludes me now almost 4 years later. However, the moment itself is drilled down
into my memory. I can picture the placement of things in the car, and I know
the exact exit I was passing when I held the phone to my ear and heard my mom
pick up on the other end. In that
moment, instead of having a positive reactive moment, I was smack in the middle
of the first 24 hours of a reactive floundering in fear. Yesterday, everything
was perfectly normal. I was surely planning events for the upcoming weekend and
looking forward to a movie with Ron later in the week. Today, however, while
driving from work to wherever I was going my world was teetering on its orbit. With
the opening of one email earlier that morning, in a split second reading of one
confirmatory sentence, everything had changed. I went from thoughts of what are
we having for dinner, to rapid paced thoughts of double mastectomy and the disbelief
that this would most likely be my future. From the opening of that email and onward in
my day (and for weeks later), I simply lost the ability to concentrate as fear
bubbled up from my core. The rest of the day was lost on me as I simply went
through the tasks of the day while counting the minutes until I could get to my
car where I would be alone with my thoughts to process what now lay on my
plate. And there, in the car, the reactive pot of “why in the world is this
happening to me?” all fueled by a fear of the unknown continued to boil. Rational
thought was nowhere to be found. I drove for a bit trying to sort up from down
and then instinctively picked up my phone and dialed. “Mom , I have some news……”
I’ve mentioned this before in previous posts, I struggle with a reaction of
fear and heightened emotion anytime I find out something untoward in my life. The obstacle is
all I can see in the initial moments. It’s magnified in my view 100 fold to
where it squeezes out of focus anything else in my life. The good news is very
quickly that fear shifts to something more rational and productive, and I can
see the reality of life and picking up one foot and putting it in front of the
other to be better than I was the moment before. But in the first initial
moments of chaos, I see only the perceived magnitude of the obstacle which then propels my reactive response of
fear, disbelief and the anger of “why”. Then Fear sets the pace for the rest of my struggle.This past November after getting “bad”
results on a lung test was the perfect example. One moment of thinking I might
have progressive pulmonary fibrosis and I lost focus on what God probably truly
intended in that moment. It came later, this understanding that God has great
things to do in and through us in obstacle, but it was about a month too late
and after I had found myself in zombie mode just trying to get through the busy
month of work and moving.
“Fear is
cultivated in the soil of disbelief.”
I’m in a season of my life where I am focusing and drilling
down on this paralytic fear I can experience at the onset of an obstacle. I
desperately want to unlearn this reaction and instead replace it with something
that is more productive. I’m working to rid myself of the unsteady view that
fear brings and instead fuel myself with the understanding that Faith brings
incredible things that God has purposed in that minute. I want to rid myself of
magnifying the obstacle. I no longer
want to ask "can you see how I have been harmed?!?" "Can you see how I don’t deserve
this struggle?!?" "Can you see.... blah, blah, blah, and on it goes my woe is me. Would
I (and you who are on the receiving end of my banter) not better profit from the
magnifying of my Faith in God instead? Do I not believe that his ways are
better than my own? Do I not believe that even at detriment to myself (a health diagnosis), his
story is more important than my health, my circumstance, my wealth? Even when
life brings about the most difficult of obstacles, we have to learn to trust in
our faith and not our fears. The obstacles are coming. That is a guarantee. If
you aren’t currently in one, you can be sure one is around the corner. So when
that obstacle comes, because it IS
coming, I want to be the person who can see the obstacle for its role in God’s
story, instead of focusing on the obstacle and its negative impact on my story.
How can my dilemma be a way for God to do great things? How can my obstacle
grow myself or someone around me closer to him? I can either be a hindrance to
that, or I can be a facilitator of his story. His story will be told no matter what, but will either
be through us and our obstacle or without us.
So how do I rid myself of this initial fear of what may be
and instead arm myself with a Faith cultivated in the understanding that God’s
story is where my joy should lie?
“Faith is
cultivated in the soil of assurance”
I want to claim Faith. I want to be a reactive person who
goes straight to the positive instead of the negativity that Fear brings. It’s
ok to feel emotions. Heartbreak will come. Sadness will lie underneath. All of this is normal in response to loss or potential loss. But in
that heartbreak and sadness, instead of packaging that up in a rusted burnt out
bow of fear and anger of “why me”, I want for God to shine through a glittery,
and empowering bow of Faith in the assurance that God chose this story for me
to do his work through me. I want to be a part of his story instead of a
hindrance to the glory he has planned, for even in tragedy He brings about
great things.
This is where my heart lies right now. I am working on a
transformation of response. I’m right in the middle of blossoming a step closer to the version
of Sally God designed me to be. And it’s an eye opening road of ups and downs
and soul searching. I’m being purposeful
in finding a way to flood myself with a response of Faith and Trust that even
in what seems unfair, His story is unfolding.
He is not after some crazy radical response from us, though
that may happen, he is simply after our heart. And a reactive heart full of
faith is so much more powerful than my reactive heart full of fear.
Sally Version 2.0, learning to uncultivate fear.
Visit www.tradinginthetatas.blogspot.com to access other posts.
Visit www.tradinginthetatas.blogspot.com to access other posts.
