Nov 6: It's been 3 months. Everyone told me it would take up to a year to fully recover from a mastectomy and reconstruction. On the front end, I thought they were a little crazy. Did they mean emotionally? Physically? Spiritually? Relationally? Now in hindsight, where everything always make a bit more sense, I see it is in fact quite possible, and probable, it’s a ball of all of that rolled up into one. It’s been many weeks since I’ve posted. I needed to regroup. Step back. Let a day go by without needing to analyze what I was feeling that day. Selfishly, I need some time to myself to get back in the swing of things. I’m back to work full speed (and I am 100% sure I came back 2 weeks early) and trying to effectively navigate all that life brings us on any given day. I’d be crazy if I said it has been easy. It’s been absolutely challenging on every level. My stamina just isn’t what it used to be pre-impostors. I’m trying to keep myself organized, moving, efficient and also trying to juggle two split positions and leading a team pulling in a thousand directions. Honestly, I’m trying to stay above water and keep everyone around me afloat as well. I came back too early. But I am getting there. I’m trying to return to the wife I used to be pulling off my own to-do list and not having to rely on Ron for help with every task I do at home. This is coming. It’s right around the corner. In fact, I probably already stepped around the corner, but as everyone does in healing the progression goes forth for a bit and then again back for a bit. One big area of advancement, and I will celebrate with a high-five, is that the impostors have moved into the background of my mental life. No longer do they consume every moment of thought. Now they trickle in and out of my day unpredictably. With regular frequency I catch myself off guard and find myself muttering “oh yeah, that happened didn’t it.” I wondered if those days would ever come. They are indeed coming. While the thoughts of what I have done have moved into the background a good bit I still recognize every day that I am now “different”. That’s super hard to explain in words that won’t seem jumbled and distorted, but there’s this ongoing internal awareness that I did something crazy / amazing / controversial / altering / overwhelming / unfathomable / undeniable / extraordinary / unexpected. And along with that awareness there lies this ever present underlying feeling of surreal / post-traumatization / achievement / disorientation /accomplishment. See, I told you it was complicated.
Physically, Boob 1 (right) and Boob 2 (left) are still just plain ole weird. Visually, they have yet to settle out. Physically, my right-side smooth round high profile gel implant (reminder that this was my trouble impostor from the get-go) is settling in a little quicker than its mirror image twin on the left. Both are still rather swollen and tense and restricted in comfort, but for the first time since this all started Boob 2 is more troublesome than Boob 1 with it putting up more of a retaliation when incorporated into daily tasks. I guess they are both on their own agenda and payroll. I keep trying to push them along with encouraging words and offers of future gifts. It’s as if I think I have some control over their recovery rate. If I just keep pushing them along I will get there (wherever there is) in record time, right? I’m also routinely traumatized by the bitter cold weather that has found its way to our state. I know “cold” is relative and you Canadians are having a hearty chuckle at my words, but I’ve never had a huge tolerance for cold even pre-impostors. Post implantation it is a thousand times worse. I forget if I’ve mentioned this before or not so feel free to zone out if this is a repeat discussion but feeling cold causes a physical response of the pectoral (chest wall) muscle clamping down that is uncontrollable and anything but enjoyable. So I fall at the mercy of heat to get the muscle to release. Even crazier, you can actually see it happen and it’s weird - to put it mildly. Couple that with the intense discomfort that results and you have a not so happy Sally. I’ve restricted myself to participation in indoor activities only until future notice. Please keep that in mind when planning my social calendar. Smile.
All that said I’ve set some goals for the holidays in efforts of pushing me onward with each passing day.
1) Complete Christmas shopping BEFORE the second week of December. This will push me to need to go shopping after work in the evenings. Right now that seems like an enormous hurdle for my stamina, but set the bar high right? If I can accomplish this, surely I can prove my stamina is returning full force.
2) Tolerate wearing a NORMAL bra before Christmas. While sports bras used to carry some level of excitement with their wear (motivation to get on a treadmill, throw on some gym clothes to lounge in the house, cozy up in a sweatshirt for movie time), I now loathe them after being restricted to their company for almost 3 months now. That seems trivial I know, but wearing a regular bra again really carries some level of normalcy. Who knew? And normalcy is now the goal.
3) Go on an adventurous trip this winter. I made a goal some friends of ours. The husband was diagnosed with Lymphoma this past summer. Our goal was to both be able to go on this upcoming trip. He is scheduled to complete his chemotherapy and receive an “all clear” in December, and I am to get in a good enough spot to endure the adventure as well. I very much want this to happen for so many reasons so I am mentally pushing for swift improvement on my part to hold up my end of the bargain and to endure the high impact of this trip.
Three goals. Easy cheesy. (But I have to admit I haven't looked in the mirror full frontal since September 9, Day 32. -See post- so it's obvious I'm horrible at this. )
Next appointment still scheduled for mid December. I’m really enjoying that down time, and I don’t miss Spot even one iota. I’m on the healing journey.
