Day 45: We had a date night last night and you will never guess how we spent it. Mattress shopping. How's that for romance! We are pitiful, yet practical, yet romantic in a weird sort of way. After a super tiring week back at work because of my lack of stamina, I wanted to better my chances of a good night sleep by getting that mattress I have been fantasizing about for 6 weeks now. Speaking of pitiful, you should have seen me attempting to give them a test run. I could barely even get on the super tall mattress displays (we have a platform bed at home) and once I made it on, I was a bit frankensteinish trying to lay down then get back up. Changes in position = changes in gravity = changes in pectoral muscle = shooting pains = not so happy Sally = insert Ron the test dummy (not that he is a dummy in any way shape or form.) Let's add that I still can't sleep or even roll on my side. This testing out just wasn't going so well for me so I kept making Ron go back and forth from this to that over and over. Roll on your side! Now your back. Try the stomach. Now compare the first one to the sixth one. What about the third one? It's important to note here that Ron could sleep like a baby on top of a nail driven brick slab. He may or may not have slept through hurricane Fran as well as a second hurricane on our honeymoon. So the only investment he has in this is financial. Well, I'm happy to report we came home with....wait for it, wait for it......nothing. Result of marrying an instant gratifier (me) to a quality bargain buyer (him). We did narrowed it down some, but now have to do the mattress online review search Ron style. Stay tuned for more hot off the press updates from the mattress front.
Survived the first week back at work. That's all I have to say about that right now. I am however extremely grateful I have a job and a job with great people. There so much to be said for that. But there absolutely was no easing back in. Hit the ground running and didn't stop until Friday when I got home. I'm trying to do as much of nothing that I can this weekend so I can survive next week.
The wound is still about the same. Ron says it may look a little better, but I still see a deep crevice so I'm just going to quit evaluating it until my next appt on Wednesday. It just is what it is. Back in the summer, when I was so worried about insurance coverage for the mastectomy, a group of my friends came together at a set time to pray about it. Next thing you know, insurance policy is changed and it includes prophylactic mastectomies. This week, they came together again at 8:45 and prayed for this wound. How can I not expect great things to happen as a result? (And if not for the wound, at least their own prayer walks.) You just can't beat that kind of commitment to a friend's journey. As they say, priceless.
I'm still having trouble with the mirror. The incision scars, the wound, the impostors, the weight gain. Having some body image barriers right now I am working through. I know, I know...beautiful inside and out, but society has warped that sense of thinking for centuries now, and we are left to muddle through the outcome. I would say the same words of kindness to you (and actually believe them) but when it comes to my own mirror these days, I'm still adjusting. No doubt God made us, but we have a way of warping us with our choices and such. So there is an outcome that must be dealt with. Thankfully, God is bigger than that so we are not stuck in outcomes, but made whole in Hope. A lifelong struggle for some of us, huh? I'm an instant gratifier remember?
So much has been slammed into the last 6 weeks that are requiring all kinds of adjustments for me. I know that is just part of any major process in life. Things happened so quickly, and now I'm left sorting through them with life coming at me at full speed. Managing the every day and also working through the days of past, well sometimes they seem to clash. And this event wasn't even life shattering! This past week I ran into Breast Oncologist who started this journey with me. He was asking me how I was progressing and was so kind to ask about how I was processing the emotions. How very kind of him to recognize this is so much bigger than a medical procedure. He offered me some great pieces of advice. (After yelling at me for being back at work with this wound. I reassured him it was still rather small and we had a plan). Anyway, I think our "chance" encounter was very much God driven perfect timing. I needed to have that dialogue exchange. I felt a bit more normal for feeling some of what I am feeling. Oh to be more like a boy...surgery today...no second thoughts about it....back to normal life tomorrow. Us women sure now how to complicate things.
Working very hard to get life back to normal as quickly as possible. I need it. Ron needs it. We need it. Now to get all the pieces and parts of body and mind to get on board. First on the list....annihilate this wound! He doesn't know what he is up against! Insert karate kick. (Did that sound scary and convincing?)
