I’m convinced one of the most challenging aspects of
mastectomy fall under how a woman perceives herself on the other side. I’ve had
enough interactions now with enough women going through mastectomy to know the
responses are vastly varied and in some cases the effects vastly profound. This
was confirmed (and also discussed in a Previous Post) when Lead Breast
Surgeon who did my mastectomy, not the reconstruction, followed up with me 6
months after my initial surgery. She wanted to inquire about my perception of
self, my sex life and overall intimacy. Now, that was a shocker of a discussion
let me say, but I was so impressed that she was choosing to think past the cuts
and sutures of the skin and dig deeper into the cuts and sutures of her patients’
(and their partners) emotions. She was giving the woman the opportunity to be
open and honest about the less thought about impacts of mastectomy. Well, 1000
cheers to her for going above and beyond (and one of the many reasons she was
recently named one of Time Magazine’s Most Influential People).
Just this week, it came up again. I was speaking with a
friend “Katie” who had recently undergone mastectomy and was inquiring as to
how she was dealing with everything. Katie was saying how she simply didn’t
feel feminine anymore. She is doing so well physically, but emotionally, she’s
struggling. And this surgery wasn’t yesterday, it was many moons ago, yet she
is still trying to navigate this reconstructed breast and all it brings to the
table. This had me thinking about why there is such a difference in the
response of women (and their partners!). I have other friends who say they
simply had no trouble at all and grew to love their new breast almost immediately.
Then there are others, who hated them at first and then over time found a new
way to embrace and maybe even like (love?) the new breast, and then there are
others who mourn the loss of old and simply never fully embrace the new.
So why the responses are so varied. Is it
a self-imposed perspective of how she thinks
the spouse views the new breast? Is it her view of the breast herself? Is it
strictly a result of how similar the new breast looks to the old? Or maybe a
reflection of how you viewed your old breast and now does the new breast live
up to that, or exceed that? Is it the impact of the spouse’s view of the new
breast? What drives this vantage point?
I’m thinking there absolutely has to be a baseline building
block around the breast itself. I imagine this sets the pace for all thoughts
thereafter. Did you upsize, did you downsize. Did you do nipple sparing (and
therefore you have the same nipple you had before mastectomy), did you lose the
nipple and now have a reconstructed nipple (tattoo, etc.). Are the scars
obvious. Are they fairly hidden. Did you do immediate reconstruction. Did you
have delayed reconstruction. Were you comfortable with your body before
mastectomy. Were you displeased with your body before mastectomy. Did you get
implants. Did you use fat-grafting. I certainly think the utter (LOL) basic aspects
of the breast itself plays a big role in reconstruction satisfaction. Dare I
say breasts are only as good as the surgeon who creates them? Or is it rather
two women could have the exact same breast appearance after reconstruction and
you get 2 totally different perspectives. I tend to think this latter scenario
is where the answer most fully lies. But then, you go in and factor in a second
person (spouse or partner) into the equation and you have a whole new level of
pressure to like or dislike this new breast. Now let me stop here and say I
have a complete score in this area. I had the most supportive spouse you could
possibly imagine, but I recognize this isn’t always the case. Women are
notorious for being self-conscious, almost to a paralytic fault, so imagine how
you feel about a natural breast. Now replace that with a synthetic breast.
Voila! Introduce a self-conscious disaster either imposed by yourself, your
spouse, or a combination of both.
But this is what I have found uniformly in talking with
women after mastectomy. Where you start is not where you will end. Your new
breast will not be your old breast. Just know this upfront. Remove the expectation,
and remove some of that pressure. But also, your new breast could be very similar
to your old breast. This can give you some comfort that in many ways they are
just as great (and even better) than the old breast. It may take you a while to
get there, but I really think you will get there…over time. And I mean maybe
over a long time. It may be a month, it may be several years. But I also
realize there may be a few of you that for various reasons may never get there.
And that is where I want to encourage you to not sit there in silence. There is
absolutely NOTHING that is easy about mastectomy. It’s possibly the most
challenging thing I have encountered so far. If you are struggling emotionally,
reach out. I promise there is someone else out there that has either felt what
you are feeling or knows someone who has. You aren’t strange. You aren’t
abnormal. You are simply in a stage of processing and you may need some help
with that. There is no right way to feel about all of this, but you aren’t
supposed to be alone in it. As my
surgeon told me that day, there are so many discussion we simply aren’t having.
We have to find a way to help women get through the emotions and many
collateral impacts of mastectomy. This is so much more than removing a diseased
breast and women simply don’t anticipate that. We as providers often don’t do
our part to get you through it. And I’m now learning we has friends fail you as
well.
If you know someone in your inner circle going through
mastectomy, help them have open discussions with you. Be someone who can sit
quietly and exude an environment of cherished friendship and unwavering support.
And if you yourself are going through mastectomy, reach out to someone who can
be a safe place to talk about the hard stuff. You don’t need a pat on the back.
You need a sincere non-judgmental ear to confide in. This breast in no way
defines you, but it certainly impacts you and is worthy of discussion. It’s not
enough for me to know you are beautiful. You have to know you are beautiful too,
and we need to find a way to support you until you get there. But know this, I
have the utmost faith you will get there. In your own time and in your own way.
To access previous blog posts - click HERE.
To access previous blog posts - click HERE.
