“Oh, my soul, you are not alone. There’s a place where fear has
to face the God you know.” - Oh, My Soul ; Casting Crowns
My friend, Kelli, posted this song quote exactly at the time I
was finishing up writing this piece. I’ve been standing in awe these past two years at how God
has been so perfectly timing and aligning his teachings in my walk (I'm silly, we all know my walk has been simply traversing his teachings). Last year
was my “Be Still” year. It seemed everywhere I turned and in everything I read
or attended, God was reminding me in his teachings and readings that he was
calling me to a year of being still and to rid my life of worry. Being still
was not my nature as I am a full blown type A personality (except I’m
introverted) driven to details and needing to control the outcomes of life. I
was quickly learning that God was wanting to slow me down to see his pace, pray
the worry out of life, and experience his presence in the details of the here
and now. It's totally worked, by the way, as worry is almost non-existent now for me after a year of His indwelling in me its harsh consequences and lack of value in my life. Be Still has now carried over into this
year of my “Waiting” year as I see God very purposely showing me to live in the
present in acute awareness of the people and opportunities around me. I used to
live every moment in anxious anticipation of “what next”, “when is the next
thing coming”, “how come I don’t have all of the desires of my heart”, “when
will I marry”, “when will I have children”, “when will I retire”? There was the
insatiable desire to have the next thing.
In this constant anticipation of having the thing I didn’t
currently have, I was missing out on the blessing of the thing I currently DID
have. When I was in middle school, I couldn't wait until I could drive. When I was
in high school, I couldn’t wait to be in college. When I was single, I so
desperately wanted to be married. So I missed out on so many blessings that came
in being single. The freedom to spend my time choosing to do what I wanted to
do. The freedom to pick up and go wherever I wanted to go. To spend my money
how I wanted to spend it. To sleep when I wanted to sleep. You get the idea.
The idea that Sally got to be who God and Sally wanted me to be in that life
stage. Now that I am married and in an incredible job, I want the next thing…to
be married, retired and traveling. Let’s break it down even more simple that
that. Look at any given day. How many days do we spend the entire morning
thinking how we can’t wait to get home from work to the evening? Or we spend
our entire week in anticipation of the weekend. It’s not that anticipation is
bad. It’s awesome to be hopeful and looking forward to things. But there comes
a point that we are living so much in anticipation of the next thing that we
totally miss out on what God has placed us here for in the first place. A
relationship with him. God walks with us here in the present. And only in the
present. I’ve been living in anticipation of the next life stage missing out on the
blessings of the current here and now of what God has placed me in. He hasn’t
created me for tomorrow. He created me for today. For this very moment, for a
relationship with him, for my story, and for the person sitting right next to
me.
It’s easy to have this perspective when we are talking about
the good things in life. I’m in a good job and an awesome marriage and place in
my life. So it’s easy enough for me to say “Sally, focus on the present. Focus
on this good job. Don’t think about retirement yet which is 20 something years
down the road.” It’s a little more difficult to want to live in the present when
your current situation isn’t so delightful. And that is where my year of “waiting”
becomes a little more evident. What if your “present” is heartbreak? What if
you are 40 years old and you have spent the last 20 years of your marriage, and
3 miscarriages, waiting for children? How are you supposed to enjoy the present
and waiting? Or what if you are 63 years old and still single and your only
desire is to be married? What then? How do you enjoy the present and still
waiting? What if you just lost your 3 year old to cancer and you are currently standing
in their empty bedroom for the first time? What if you are standing at your
mailbox holding divorce papers? What if you are looking at the MRI seeing your
brain tumor grow? What if you are heading into your 13th surgery in
a few weeks? What if you just tragically lost your 44 year old brother?
I don’t have the magic answer for you, but I do know that I
can identify with some of the scenarios above and have found a way to find joy
despite circumstance because Christ has a way of bringing perspective when you
spend time praying for it. But particularly in this last year of his teaching me
about times of wait a few things have come across my path that have gotten my
attention. One in particular that really turned things around for me was
hearing this statement recently for a second time:
“We desire relief more than
we desire righteousness.”
Let that sink if for a minute. Do an honest self-evaluation
of your current circumstance. How would you rank yourself on this? If God uses
circumstance to grow us to him, we should almost be more joyous in circumstance
than out of circumstance for we know that it is in that circumstance that we are
growing in relationship with Christ. When I learned to grasp this truth, it
also gave me endurance for the storm. It’s as if this awareness gives me that
extra boost for those last three miles of the marathon. I want so richly to be
in communion with God that I can endure the waiting, the trials, the grief.
While I crave RELIEF, I want RIGHTEOUSNESS more. Now that certainly isn’t
absolute. Because when is the last time I have had to endure true persecution,
or when is the last time my storm has been unbearable. But it does help in the
day to day trials of life and it helps me when I do face those tougher battles
of life. Even when my brother died a few weeks (now months?) back, I can see
that God is growing me, and many of you, closer to him in Andy’s loss. So I am
weathering that Storm better in that knowledge. I want relief from the grief, but
in the grief, I am growing. So I keep walking.
An additional truth that has carried me through periods of
struggle was when these words were spoken to me.
“How can God use you where you want to be, when you won’t allow
him to use you where you are?”
This was absolutely eye opening for me. It’s as if I am
saying to God, you can only use me as your vessel if you give me the desires of
my heart! Never would I be so bold as to say that, but don’t I sometimes act
that way in my bitterness, anger, and entitlement for not having something?
Instead of embracing my current situation and allowing God to use me in my
present situation (this doesn’t mean removing a healthy longing), I spend all
of my time wishing this away in expectation for “what next?” Hasn’t God
purposed my here and now to be my story exactly as it is - every sentence, every
word, every letter, every punctuation- for growing me in relationship with him
and the people around me? “What next” will serve its purpose…but only when the
time comes. Let God use us where we are. Look around you. What does God want
you to do right now that you are missing because you are living for tomorrow? God
wants to use your today, this very hour, these thirteen minutes in between meetings to do something. This is your story. Today.
Loosely related, in a few weeks, I head back into the operating room for
surgery #13. I’ve known about this for a few weeks but have yet to put it
to paper, or really even to words. Earlier this week I was saying how strong
emotions must be inter-related. When I feel mad, I often cry. When I face giants
on any given day, I miss my brother more. Our hearts are connected to our
heads. So when I am passionate, I’m am fully passionate. I’m headed back to the
OR for some respiratory issues – some shaving here, some shaving there, some
stents up over there. It’s an easy surgery I’m told (I don’t know how you
decide that), but after 12 surgeries in this lifetime, particularly after these
6 for mastectomy, they all become inter-related emotionally. That’s why I haven’t
put words to it as of yet. But God is the God of surgeries, and anesthesia
(which I detest and don’t do so well with), and all the things that come with this,
so I put it there for him to heal. This too is my story. Life after cleft lips,
lymphoma, radiation, fibrosis, and mastectomy. The OR is my nemesis. But I’ve
learned that in my fears and emotions too, not just while I wait, I find God.
To access previous blog posts - click HERE.
To access previous blog posts - click HERE.
