Feb. 13: Valentine's week. Boy, am I beyond grateful for being out of the dating scene. The pressure of valentine's day on a dating relationship can lead to all kinds of mishaps. Where do I take her, what do I buy her? Is a chocolate heart too over the time? A heart shaped pendant? I do NOT want to be a guy this time of year. And if he forgot the day all together, heaven forbid. I love that valentine's day fell into the background when we got married. We celebrate with dinner out and never on valentine's days. No gifts exchanged. Just dinner out and no pressure around what to wear and what to buy (or not buy). Where is this going, you ask? Well, romance, physical intimacy, and just plain ole love and like can be a tricky thing. Let me prepare you. The transparancy is about to come out again. I promise to try and restrain myself a tad in the process, but I was so intrigued by a question my breast surgeon asked me at my last appointment. I debated on whether to ever bring this up, but alas Valentine's Day seemed the perfect time to throw it all out there. And for the record, you are not allowed to ever mention this post to me in public. So why am I sharing it? I think it's important for women (and as Ron says, husbands too) to know and that was the whole point of this blog. Prepare the unprepared.
"Sally, I need to ask you a personal question and you don't have to answer, but I feel like since you work in oncology you will understand my asking. Also, my motive is so I can know whether I need to talk to other patients about this. Did you and your husband have problems with intimacy and body image after your mastectomy?"
I will spare you the response and the dialogue that came about, but we all know I struggled with body image if you read even one of my posts from the Fall. I really was intrigued by how this physician cared enough to want to incorporate into her every day conversations with the patient how the mastectomy potentially impacts the emotional aspects of husband and wife. I strongly encouraged her to do so knowing my own vanity struggles with the imposters (See post from Aug 31). No matter how great the reconsturctive work, it is still an adjustment to something foreign. They just aren't what you've seen for 30+ years. And they are so closely tied to your identity as a female. There is definitely some time needed for mental adjustment. And some time to simply physically heal from all of the scarring and edema. I know I was not fully prepared for that. And I later found out how hard it is on the husband to not know what to expect. The surgeon confirmed my suspicions. She described relationships falling apart and women navigating this course alone. The husbands are paralyzed by what the wife is experiencing. How will the wife handle this? Will she sail through? Where are all of these emotions coming from? They just weren't prepared. I truly think there should be classes for the spouses to attend to prepare them for the highs and lows. I was so blessed that God gave me Ron who just took it all in stride, but boy do I worry about that couples that don't have a support system in place. I truly believe a mastectomy can wreck all things in it's path if allowed and not carefully prepared (prayed) for.
So if a mastectomy is in your path- ask questions. Involve yourself in dialogue with women who have navigated those waters. Have your husband ask questions. Surround yourself with people who love you unconditionally (they really do exist out there!). Find yourself a surgeon who wants to be involved in the big picture. Give yourself some time to heal. And if you just sail through it without a second thought, just consider yourself blessed.
I'm excited about valentine's week. I want to celebrate a husband who supported me without a flinch when I doubted everything about my physical self. I've still only looked in the mirror twice since the imposters joined the ranks, but the thought of it doesn't revolt me anymore. It's just something I don't prefer. Lead Plastic Surgeon truly did do his "very best work", so what do I have to lose, right? I've embraced Boob 1 and Boob 2. They have found a loving home. I haven't forgotten their predecessors, but I welcome the imposters all the same. And it's about time!
HappyValentine's week. I hope you have found a spouse even half as great as mine. (And if you're still waiting, don't settle! It's well worth the wait.)
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