I want to get in the car and drive. Roll the windows down, open the sunroof, music blaring from the speakers and a tree lined road for as far as the eye can see. Is it too much to ask for? I only want it because I can't have it. I can't drive. And being driven doesn't fill the void. The car is rather uncomfortable right now with the jiggle and the jolt. The stop and the go pushing the boob this way and that. So I sit instead in the living room either working, or getting lost in someone else's world. Women, prepare yourself for that confinement. It comes every time. And while you hate the isolation, having people over is also an effort (well worth it, but you take a few minutes back afterwards). It's the yin and the yang of mastectomy. You want to be out and about, yet you find most comfort behind closed doors. You want to shower, but dread the effort it takes and the energy it zaps. You want to put on real clothes, but find it's a wasted effort when you are hoarded inside your front door. You desperately want to do your part so your spouse gets a break, but you realize you really only add more work when you spill things or need a nap after the effort. So you do a little of this and a little of that hoping to find the happy medium where you find cheer in your day, but don't exhaust yourself in the process. You have to prepare yourself for the frustration of confinement and restricted activity. Plan in advance. Tonight, I'm taking Ron down the loser path in Backgammon. He needs to go down that path. It's over due. Tomorrow night, maybe a movie. Don't discredit living someone else's life for a few hours. But choose carefully, you want to make a wise choice. Things don't sit as well as the usually do when you yourself are not exactly in tune and you don't want to regret the "life swap" you choose. My friend reminds me that after fighting breast cancer, what used to entertain her in a scary movie now disgusts her. Once you fight for you life, you don't enjoy watching others fight for theirs. For me, I can't do high intensity. Not immediately anyway. So for the first few weeks after surgery, I chose light-hearted. It's the way to go for me. Find what fits for you and and don't try to over-achieve by sitting through the most recent horror flick. As soon as you can, plan a dinner out, but keep it low key. A booth in the back where you can be incognito if it ends up being too much. And somewhere quick, so you aren't stuck for 2 hours when you feel you need to be "done" after 1. And don't invite others. Do the test ride yourself first. If that goes well, next time branch out. Sometimes you think you are totally good, until you get yourself there and your quickly see that the getting ready, the getting there, the ordering, the smiling at people you pass was more than you bargained for. Go slow and go low key. Then you can rev it up all you want after the practice run.
Today, I'm running a slight fever. I was suspicious when I couldn't cool off while sleeping last night. At one point, I was having a terrible dream (which I rarely do) and Ron realized I was struggling in my sleep. He reached over to wake me and felt I was blazing hot. Then the "hot flashes" continued after getting out of bed. It's subtle per the oral thermostat, but definitive per my inability to cool off today. There are no signs of anything. Skin in the perfect color. Pain is unchanged. Incision intact without any oozing. So I believe we are good to go. But it is there, underlying hopefully to stay undeclared. I kind of need it to stay undeclared. And in addition to the yin and the yangs of mastectomy above, there is always the underlying worry that something will not go as planned. You always have in the back of your mind the what ifs. I simply want to be boring. The vomiting earlier this week sort of ruined that dream of mine, but I had reset the slate to try again. Average. Uneventful. I'd settle for Bs and Cs. I don't have to be an A student here. I'm embracing average and I'm striving for boring.
Yins and Yangs. Underlying worry. It's just part of it and knowing that upfront helps circumvent the frustration. Lessons learned. I am collecting them.
