It’s the question that plagues us all, those of us who are
Christ-followers, when we so very often find ourselves tangled in the web of
deciphering God’s will: “Which way would he have us go?” This question comes up
for me time and time again! And because
I am a “pleaser”, so very much wanting to be what He wants me to be, I often
find myself paralyzed by this question. I have no struggle with knowing and
embracing that His will is ALWAYS better than my own (I’m blessed in that
attribute) but this is likely the root cause of my constant pursuit of
deciphering how to remain on the path he chose for me (and note that my knowing
this truth, doesn’t mean I am always successful in choosing Him over me). I am
fully cognizant of my ability to mess stuff up beyond recognition and my fear
of that is a constant motivator. So I take very seriously trying to choose what
God would have me do, maybe even selfishly, to ensure my joy. And because he
has yet to audibly speak to me, I’m left to figure it all out as go. I need that burning bush. I crave that shout
out from the mountain top. And where is
my Gabriel messenger? Does he not know I would follow his words because I so
fully know his way results in so much more joy than my own selfish-chosen path
through this life? He has proven that time and time again to me. I could be an
ideal candidate to receive that stone tablet, as I truly don’t envision a lot
of kicking and screaming on my end to abide by his mapped out plan. But what
happens when his plan is not obvious to me? The turmoil of the deciphering is
exhausting.
I’m holding the vacuum hose up to the ceiling while standing
on tiptoes and teetering in arm-exhaustion trying to keep it perched “just so” in
the seam of the freshly spackled ceiling as Ron is up on the ladder with
sandpaper in constant movement. And at that moment I’m in awe of what we are
doing. It’s 9:45 at night, exhausted,
and we still have several more tasks to complete before the following morning.
Here we are doing something that just 2 months before seemed unfathomable. Our
forever home, not our dream home, but our home that we chose purposely to take
us into the frailty of geriatrics, is about to be sold. And as we repair and
paint the last ceiling divot, I stand there mesmerized at what was about to
unfold. A quick reminder of “never say never” and the uncertainty of the
“knowns” of life. In recent weeks God, on numerous occasions, has prompted our
heart to be open to transition. This willingness to give up our comfort zone in
a trade out for the yet to be determined was knocking at our door. We felt this
very strong pull to sell our home and move instead into
something…different…with no place to go, a much smaller budget, and against the
stream of this American Dream. On paper it seems bizarre and in contrast to
everything we understood for ourselves in days of past, but in our hearts there
was this understanding of some not-yet-defined purpose and intent. Many were
calling us crazy, and some were watching our every step in anticipation of how
this would fall out. Even we couldn’t answer the questions of those around us.
We simply knew we were being prompted to go…to someplace to be determined. An
in that there was this indescribable peace. This understanding that should He
ask you to go, you pick up your mat and you go. And what would lie in your
tomorrow, no matter how different, or less, or confusing it may seem, it would
somehow result in so much more. Now let me stop here and say that this came
over the course of many weeks for me. Ron somehow found himself on that
bandwagon very early, but I did a little hokey pokey dance in my commitment
level. One foot in, next day the same foot would be right back out, then the
arms following in the same in and out jig. But as I prayed and prayed and prayed,
and revisited the moments of past of God’s faithfulness in my life, I found
myself leaving my foot, my arm, in the circle for longer periods of time until
one day, almost without awareness of what had happened, I found myself “all
in”. Next thing I knew, I was standing in my closet, on my tip toes, holding
the vacuum hose at the ceiling in the closet where I had just recently
discovered the true condition of my heart when trying to part with just 1 of 13
sweaters. In that same closet I found peace in the understanding that my goals
would not always align with His and that His would trump mine every single
time. Those of you that truly know me and have seen my failures and
accomplishments in this life know this is a huge thing for this infiniti-driving,
silver-spoon carrying, women of privileged standards. Only God could have
transitioned my self-serving vain heart to seek him over my desire to have the
comforts I have so purposely collected. Only God could have provided me a peace
in the elements of this wide open slate of selling our “forever house” where we
didn’t even have the very first inkling of how and what? And in my exhaustion
while holding a vacuum hose, while my husband sanded away at the excess
spackle, I felt in tune.
The next morning, while I sat having lunch with a group of
mentors, my husband sat in the middle of our bedroom in great prayer for
guidance and wisdom in this decision we were pursuing as his heart had suddenly
gone from peaceful to anxious. While my peace became solidified in a
conversation over a salad plate, Ron’s began to unravel. In the span of a
few hours we were trading places and the answers to our prayers becoming more
evident. While I had prayed for peace to do what would be difficult and for acute
awareness of the condition of my worldly heart, Ron was praying for wisdom and
guidance as the leader of our household as to how this would all unfold. And as
the days passed and the prayers became more intense, his peace with moving began
to unravel as God started to answer his prayer for wisdom.
So you ask me, Sally, how was this an answer to prayer? And
I can easily say that God was working on Ron and I individually knowing the
states of our individual hearts. I have to wander if this journey was all about
me and the need to re-align my goals and pursuits in this life. God bringing me
to a point of surrender and then to an incredible sense of peace broke the
stronghold this “stuff” of the American dream had me under. His allowance of
anxiety in Ron’s heart as we approached this “sell date” spoke to us that this
was about the journey of being willing to give things up, but that he wasn’t
yet calling us to the actual decision. (Genesis 22 for full story- Abraham, take your son and lie him on
the altar. Abraham, in your obedience as you carried your son to the altar, I
now provide you instead with a substitute sacrifice to take his place). I think
this process was about us discovering what we held dear and to get to a place
where we “could” and “would” walk away from it all if needed. I don’t know if
the full purpose of this exercise will be understood anytime soon. But I do
know it is in preparation for “something” and that I am a better specimen of
humanity today than I was in the days of yesterday as a result.
So while the lock box was removed from our door handle
yesterday as we ended our pursuit to sell and chose to stay in our current house, the condition of my heart became a
little less self-focused and a little more in alignment with the Sally He
intended me to be. And the bond of our marriage became stronger as we sought,
in unison and persistence, his plan for our lives and trusted him beyond our
understanding of “what next”. Some of the most mentally exhausting weeks of our
recent years, but some of the most fruitful and eye-opening in return. Thank
you, Lord, for getting me past the ugliness of Sally and showing me once again
that your way is the only true path to Joy.
(And now to find a way to ensure I hang on to that for more than a month!)
