April 29, 2015 - Over a salad plate

It’s the question that plagues us all, those of us who are Christ-followers, when we so very often find ourselves tangled in the web of deciphering God’s will: “Which way would he have us go?” This question comes up for me time and time again!  And because I am a “pleaser”, so very much wanting to be what He wants me to be, I often find myself paralyzed by this question. I have no struggle with knowing and embracing that His will is ALWAYS better than my own (I’m blessed in that attribute) but this is likely the root cause of my constant pursuit of deciphering how to remain on the path he chose for me (and note that my knowing this truth, doesn’t mean I am always successful in choosing Him over me). I am fully cognizant of my ability to mess stuff up beyond recognition and my fear of that is a constant motivator. So I take very seriously trying to choose what God would have me do, maybe even selfishly, to ensure my joy. And because he has yet to audibly speak to me, I’m left to figure it all out as go.  I need that burning bush. I crave that shout out from the mountain top.  And where is my Gabriel messenger? Does he not know I would follow his words because I so fully know his way results in so much more joy than my own selfish-chosen path through this life? He has proven that time and time again to me. I could be an ideal candidate to receive that stone tablet, as I truly don’t envision a lot of kicking and screaming on my end to abide by his mapped out plan. But what happens when his plan is not obvious to me? The turmoil of the deciphering is exhausting.

I’m holding the vacuum hose up to the ceiling while standing on tiptoes and teetering in arm-exhaustion trying to keep it perched “just so” in the seam of the freshly spackled ceiling as Ron is up on the ladder with sandpaper in constant movement. And at that moment I’m in awe of what we are doing. It’s  9:45 at night, exhausted, and we still have several more tasks to complete before the following morning. Here we are doing something that just 2 months before seemed unfathomable. Our forever home, not our dream home, but our home that we chose purposely to take us into the frailty of geriatrics, is about to be sold. And as we repair and paint the last ceiling divot, I stand there mesmerized at what was about to unfold. A quick reminder of “never say never” and the uncertainty of the “knowns” of life. In recent weeks God, on numerous occasions, has prompted our heart to be open to transition. This willingness to give up our comfort zone in a trade out for the yet to be determined was knocking at our door. We felt this very strong pull to sell our home and move instead into something…different…with no place to go, a much smaller budget, and against the stream of this American Dream. On paper it seems bizarre and in contrast to everything we understood for ourselves in days of past, but in our hearts there was this understanding of some not-yet-defined purpose and intent. Many were calling us crazy, and some were watching our every step in anticipation of how this would fall out. Even we couldn’t answer the questions of those around us. We simply knew we were being prompted to go…to someplace to be determined. An in that there was this indescribable peace. This understanding that should He ask you to go, you pick up your mat and you go. And what would lie in your tomorrow, no matter how different, or less, or confusing it may seem, it would somehow result in so much more. Now let me stop here and say that this came over the course of many weeks for me. Ron somehow found himself on that bandwagon very early, but I did a little hokey pokey dance in my commitment level. One foot in, next day the same foot would be right back out, then the arms following in the same in and out jig. But as I prayed and prayed and prayed, and revisited the moments of past of God’s faithfulness in my life, I found myself leaving my foot, my arm, in the circle for longer periods of time until one day, almost without awareness of what had happened, I found myself “all in”. Next thing I knew, I was standing in my closet, on my tip toes, holding the vacuum hose at the ceiling in the closet where I had just recently discovered the true condition of my heart when trying to part with just 1 of 13 sweaters. In that same closet I found peace in the understanding that my goals would not always align with His and that His would trump mine every single time. Those of you that truly know me and have seen my failures and accomplishments in this life know this is a huge thing for this infiniti-driving, silver-spoon carrying, women of privileged standards. Only God could have transitioned my self-serving vain heart to seek him over my desire to have the comforts I have so purposely collected. Only God could have provided me a peace in the elements of this wide open slate of selling our “forever house” where we didn’t even have the very first inkling of how and what? And in my exhaustion while holding a vacuum hose, while my husband sanded away at the excess spackle, I felt in tune. 

The next morning, while I sat having lunch with a group of mentors, my husband sat in the middle of our bedroom in great prayer for guidance and wisdom in this decision we were pursuing as his heart had suddenly gone from peaceful to anxious. While my peace became solidified in a conversation over a salad plate, Ron’s began to unravel. In the span of a few hours we were trading places and the answers to our prayers becoming more evident. While I had prayed for peace to do what would be difficult and for acute awareness of the condition of my worldly heart, Ron was praying for wisdom and guidance as the leader of our household as to how this would all unfold. And as the days passed and the prayers became more intense, his peace with moving began to unravel as God started to answer his prayer for wisdom.

So you ask me, Sally, how was this an answer to prayer? And I can easily say that God was working on Ron and I individually knowing the states of our individual hearts. I have to wander if this journey was all about me and the need to re-align my goals and pursuits in this life. God bringing me to a point of surrender and then to an incredible sense of peace broke the stronghold this “stuff” of the American dream had me under. His allowance of anxiety in Ron’s heart as we approached this “sell date” spoke to us that this was about the journey of being willing to give things up, but that he wasn’t yet calling us to the actual decision. (Genesis 22 for full story- Abraham, take your son and lie him on the altar. Abraham, in your obedience as you carried your son to the altar, I now provide you instead with a substitute sacrifice to take his place). I think this process was about us discovering what we held dear and to get to a place where we “could” and “would” walk away from it all if needed. I don’t know if the full purpose of this exercise will be understood anytime soon. But I do know it is in preparation for “something” and that I am a better specimen of humanity today than I was in the days of yesterday as a result.

So while the lock box was removed from our door handle yesterday as we ended our pursuit to sell and chose to stay in our current house, the condition of my heart became a little less self-focused and a little more in alignment with the Sally He intended me to be. And the bond of our marriage became stronger as we sought, in unison and persistence, his plan for our lives and trusted him beyond our understanding of “what next”. Some of the most mentally exhausting weeks of our recent years, but some of the most fruitful and eye-opening in return. Thank you, Lord, for getting me past the ugliness of Sally and showing me once again that your way is the only true path to Joy. 

(And now to find a way to ensure I hang on to that for more than a month!)