Day 31: I'm sitting here in my sun-room watching the storm roll in. If you've been around me for more than an hour, you know I absolutely adore a storm. They make me all kinds of chipper. And some days you just need a little chipper in your step. They also make me reflective.
I just returned from church and on the way home I could see the thunder clouds building up. I was alone in the car (which means I drove! Woo hoo! Frightening, but accomplished) so I was able to really put some uninterrupted thought in to some things. It's rare you have quiet time to sit back and just ponder. You know how life sometimes just smacks you in the face? One of those catch you off guard, changed perspective kind of hit you in the face. I actually love when that happens. I love knowing that I can think I have life all figured out and then- smack- comes more perspective. This is where my thoughts went. This mastectomy is a whole lot of nothing when you compare it to the issues surrounding the lives of so many. Homelessness, Human Trafficking (did you know N.C. ranks in the top 10 for states involved in this heinous act?), alcoholism, divorce, chronic illnesses, the loss of a spouse, your child that won't speak to you any more. How in the world does no boobs even begin to compare to that?
Just a few days ago my coworker lost her 18 month old son (he was a twin) and today they had a funeral. How does a mother overcome this? How does she pick up her anything and get out of bed the next morning? How does she put aside such tremendous unimaginable pain and find the motivation to even fix a sandwich? How do you explain that loss to your other child who keeps asking where her twin brother is. As I sat in church tonight, just an hour before service starts, our music leader got a call that his father had passed away. No even an hour before! And where did he stand an hour later? Right there on the stage putting his heart into what he loves- music and faith. No doubt on the inside he was struggling with every piano key, but he knew his purpose in that moment was to celebrate Christ...even in death. Then there is a friend and family member who has a cancer diagnosis and finds struggle in each moment. Not knowing what tomorrow will bring in that diagnosis. Or a young women is who is caught in the desperate grip of depression. She sees nothing but haphazard despair.
So it's very clear to me as I am driving down the road that my last 31 days enduring post mastectomy is absolutely nothing in comparison. It's a blink of an eye. It's a splinter in a finger. It's trivial in comparison to the life others have on their plate. So why does it seem so devastating at times? Well, because everyone in life wants the perfect, the happy, the easy going. We don't want the hardship, the challenge, the knock you off your feet. But we all know, knock you off your feet is always right around the next bend. Or if you are like me, it's your right now.
You see, my mastectomy journey seems so intense because I can only compare it to the smooth as glass journey I was having back in May. No bumps, no bruises, just basking in the goodness of life. When things go smoothly, I sit back and enjoy the ride. When things switch modes to knock you off your feet, everything comes to a screeching halt and you take notice. You aren't comparing yourself to others, you are comparing yourself to your "before". You kick you, you scream, you pout just like anyone else. "This is not what I asked for. Things were going so well". In August I felt like I was swimming up stream. I was in tune with God's grace and His provision (and even the belief that this path was chosen specifically for me), but even trusting God's role in all of this, it didn't take away the sting. And you know what? It's not supposed to. I firmly believe God gives us emotions, and they serve a very specific purpose in every journey. Anger can lead to motivation. Sadness can morph in to reflection and advocacy. Fear can soon become motivation to find refuge in something you can't provide yourself. And then, we are able to see purpose in chaos.
I would be amiss to feel shame for my emotions of August (although I have on several occasions). Those emotions for the most part served their purpose as long as they didn't consume me. Feel what I need to feel, find purpose from those feelings, then move on with intent and focus. However, I would be hard pressed to move past these emotions without belief that God very specifically allowed this moment in time to become one of my stories. If I didn't believe that, I would be filled with hatred, bitterness, judgement, and hopelessness that consumed my every moment. Instead, because I have faith in Christ's big picture, I'm able to feel anger which purposed me into motivation to get on the other side. Sadness and confusion propelled me into empathy and advocacy (and even his blog). Fear, made me claim hope. I don't know how women do these journeys without that sense of hope?
Sometimes the turns of life just can't be explained, but when you have hope in something bigger than yourself, those unexplained moments become purposeful. Instead of sinking, you find a way to start to swim again. It may take days. It may take years. But soon you find that your desperate attempt to stay afloat becomes a doggie paddle, then a frog leg swim, and soon you are swimming the 100 meter freestyle with grace and poise. The circumstance may not have improved. You may by all earthly standards be in the pits of chaos, but your perspective changes and that pit comes with a big old basket of purpose. Happiness is based on atmosphere and circumstance. Joy is based on perspective. And I shouldn't be so naive to assume I can find that on my own.
So as I was driving home, I was thinking about how minor my mastectomy is in the whole scheme of things. But at the same time, in my own little bubble of Sally's life, it's a whopping ball of chaos. I began rolling over in my head the lyrics to a song I adore and had just heard for the umpteenth time earlier today. Here's the link if you want to give it a whirl. http://www.tr3s.com/music/artists/one-sonic-society/videos/forever-reign-819276/. I have it playing in the background as I type this. I CAN NOT DO ANY OF THIS on my own. I would not be even remotely able to pull myself out of the awfulness of a concave chest. I would still be lying in a big ole heap of balling my eyes out if it were up to my own accord. My human side would fall prey to my circumstance. And just like anyone else, I would return to happiness again as circumstances changed, however I would always be destined to return right back to despair the very next moment life took a sharp turn. Praise God, I have have something to save me from that. I have faith in Christ who offers me peace when fear cripples me. Light when darkness closes in. Joy when life turns to mastectomy. My emotions will still be there and they will be raw, but Hope gives me belief that this emotion can be temporary even when the circumstance may become permanent.
I happen to know my coworker will be able to start the healing process even though her son's death is permanent. She will feel raw. She will feel her heart rip out. She will feel every single letter of awful, but because she has Hope in Christ and knows that with every event there can be purpose, and in time, she will start to heal. Not forget, but heal. I even see her becoming an advocate as she too works in pediatric oncology. Our world is filled with mothers losing a child. Why he was taken, I have no clue. We will never know. Her circumstance is sealed and permanent. But I have the utmost assurance that with her perspective she gains from faith in Christ, she will see that God allows amazing things to come from despair if you can focus on the master plan.
If you keep searching for something in life and you keep coming up empty, if you keep falling prey to your emotions and circumstance, if you can't find purpose in trials, try running in to the arms of something bigger than yourself. Let Christ give you purpose. See if that gives you new perspective and the motivation to wait it out with realization that something incredible can be happening at the same time as despair.
Thank you "Forever Reign" (the song above) for reminding me of something I've known all along but need to hear again on occasion. Even chaos loses it's sting in the promise of hope. I want to be a reflection of that in a mastectomy that stretched me to my core. It is no longer the month of May, but where do we find purpose if it is always smooth sailing.
And thank you, whoever is reading these updates, for allowing me to not only show the triumphs and humors of this mastectomy, but for allowing my raw struggles and thoughts well.
Maybe a visit to the mirror long over due. If God can bring Hope in the crazy of life, I can take a peek in a silly little mirror.
____________________________________________________
Lyrics for "Forever Reign": Hillsong Music
