Day 40: I survived the first day back at work (not that I ever thought I wouldn't actually survive)! It was everything I thought it would be for the struggles and more for the triumphs. Quick post because I promised so many of you to let you know how it went, but I will be fast since I'm so tired tonight.
I know many of you were praying for my sleep and my day. Thank you for all of the emails and messages of encouragement. I hung on to those at every point. Here's how it all went down. I had a stir crazy night last night. Sleep an hour, wake up for an hour to stare at my old friend "Mr Ceiling", sleep another hour, "Hello again,Ceiling!", and so on. Fine line of a love hate relationship. But some sleep was had so that passed my expectations, and I'm grateful. This morning, I also successfully navigated showering, drying, clothing, painting the face and so on in a mastectomy record time of 90 mins! Necessity my motivator and now to get it down to my usual 45. Then came the drive in. I purposely delayed my departure to avoid rush hour traffic, but I had forgotten how long that drive can be when you are clutching the steering wheel like a mad woman and feeling every single nook and cranny of the road underneath. I have never been more grateful to arrive at a work destination. I may have cut my commute time. I was driving so fast just trying to get one more mile under me on the stupid divot ridden highway. Good thing I didn't get stopped, I didn't have my Card Carrying Member Implant ID card on me (see previous post "Card Carrying Member"). Pull into the parking space- sigh of relief. Work would surely be a piece of cake after the drive in.
Elevator- 14th floor- open door. Totally anticlimactic and that made my day! Everyone was working away on their individual tasks and that allowed me to accomplish a low key slide in under the radar reentry and dive into my own tasks. The list was oh so very long for playing catch up, and I successfully knocked off 4 of those before noon. I was expecting a fast paced hustle and bustle, and instead I got slow paced work at my own speed relief. That really helped my anxiety of getting back in that morning. The afternoon, equally as successful with me catching up with my interim replacement (who has been a God send). I do feel like I learned more in four hours than I have in four weeks. So score one for my to-do list!
All that said and after another commute back home, I am absolutely exhausted. It is so difficult to stay up right in a chair for 6-8 hours when you have had a laying, lounging, sleeping, shuffling, change position every 30 minutes, walk in a 40 square foot radius kind of 6 weeks. I still battle awful stamina, muscle fatigue, and difficulty getting comfortable. While a lot of pain has resolved, I still have pectoral muscles that hate me (and I them) and back muscles that are retaliating from having to do all the extra work. Bending over a computer just plain ole sucketh! It kills the new boobs and murders the back and head. A few times I had to plop down in the floor and sit leaning against the wall just to get some relief. Don't know how professional I seemed, but it kept me at work a few more hours. Because so few people know about the impostors, that took some stress out about worrying how many people were going to ask me about them. I was able to hear the "welcome back", "so good to see you", "you have been missed" and leave it at that without going into details. That really worked for me. = ) Have I mentioned how much I love my work team?
Successful, exhausting, productive day. I left with a massive headache, but I held the whole day together without a single tear- or even a thought of one. Most of all I love that the day held no drama. God has his provisions, and I was so blessed to be the recipient. Now to find a way to do it all over again tomorrow. Back to clinic on Wednesday and that will bring its own set of challenges and hopefully triumphs as well.
I've turned the corner. Life will be back to normal. Work was everything it always has been and life still goes on around me. I will incorporate myself back in to it and will find myself once again swimming upstream again in a fast paced deadline driven project. But I would rather swim upstream against that than against the woes of mastectomy again. It's also a little weird to turn the corner. Every single day for the last 35+ days has revolved around boobs, the lack there of, then fake boobs. I know life outside my four walls didn't think about boobs even once in 40 days (Really, you haven't been thinking about boobs all this time???), but it's also strange experiencing that first hand and making non-boob thinking part of your new normal. Today revolved around patients other than myself. That was a nice and welcomed change. Still weird.
Back for another wound appointment Wednesday afternoon. It's not worse at last check, but it is not improving. I have no idea what that is going to mean for next plans. Watch and wait??? Anyway, it will be what it will be. Lead plastic surgeon hasn't let me down yet (well except for that first appointment with all the casual groping as if this was very normal for me, Glad we quickly got that all corrected.)
If someone had told me on August 7 how many emotions I would roll through in this journey I would have laughed in their face. Now I have a very great appreciation for and understanding of the chaotic face of mastectomy. God bless the other women who traverse it. NOTHING and NO ONE can fully prepare them, but that doesn't mean I won't try to!
Love to each of you and three cheers for conquering-
Sally
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