Aug 21, 2012 - Day # 14 - God's Interventions (posted out of order)

Day 14: There is absolutely no way that this journey doesn't have God's interventions written all over it. All over it! It's oozing mercy and provision and I love that. (I also don't know how women go through these types of decisions without having Jesus' saving grace in their life. I would have had a much different outcome without my faith in his charting the course.) Every twist and turn defied medical reason. Both surgeons stand amazed at what could have been verses where we are.

Plausible outcome: mastectomy, about a week later poor blood flow, thus leading to tissue loss and possibly a skin graft. Delayed reconstruction up to 6 months for best outcome, then definite use of extenders to stretch out the muscle to hold the implant.

What happened: Prayer! And lots of it from so many people, some I don't even know. Mastectomy, a week later excellent blood flow, a week later (not six months) insertion of implants (not extenders) and so far these new drains are way better than the old ones. I'm so much more comfortable in these and my anxiety is almost non-existent. (flashback to those awful nights we had last week. See previous posts). All of this defied what we expected.

Now, that doesn't mean I see God's hand only because our course defied medicine and went well, I also see God in the chaos of this journey. I truly feel I needed to go through the emotional slump to gain a few things: belief in genuine friendship, empathy for mastectomy patients, a stronger relationship with family and spouse, and the list goes on. I truly struggled last week before reconstruction started. I felt scarred, damaged, emotionally broken, frustrated at the restrictions..... It didn't make sense to me why I struggled as hard as I did. I'm usually pretty solid when life throws you curve balls. I'm the one you want to be carrying for you in the medical emergency. I'm level headed in crisis. I know how to make solid decisions under stress. I know how to find positivity in just about anything. Well let me tell you that changed last week. I literally hyper ventilated on every occasion when I saw what was under the bandages. I sobbed. I grew angry. And I was in pain. There wasn't a single point in the first 6 days where I didn't hurt despite good narcotics. And it didn't make sense to me because I'm just not built that way. Pain is a powerful motivator and can wreck every part of your day. I was exhausted, I was broken, I was needing both physical and emotional restoration. And I needed to be all of those things to appreciate where I am now and the role God played in this, as well as the role of each of you. I needed to be reminded of faithful friendship, and your genuine concern for me spoke volumes to my heart. I reconnected. I'm becoming restored.

Today has no resemblance of previous days. Mom says I have my spunk back. I have a new glow. Gone are the tears (so far). Gone is the exhaustion. Gone is the hyper ventilation. I'm over the hump. And ready for the next steps. We will see what tomorrow brings as I'm starting to feel uncomfortable at the surgery sights. But I'm hopeful.

This week I'm restricted from just about everything. I do get to shower after 48 hrs even with the drains in. That should be interesting. I can't lift or hardly even move my arms (picture a pterodactyl with super short arms) -both due to pain and surgeons orders. 

No walking at all except for necessity to the bathroom and back per se. A week from today we have our next appt, we are hopeful all four drains will come out. I will be tightly "packaged" for several weeks and hopefully freedom with life as I used to know it in 2 months. I look back and see the trivial aspects of this journey and almost laugh at how big of a deal this became for a month of miserable, but it did. For whatever reason we want to cling to, this mastectomy became a super big deal for me. Compare it to what other people really go through in life and this seems silly. (I watched "seven pounds" last night with mom. Talk about perspective.) But it's my journey and it affected me (temporarily).

Thank you for letting me use this venue to process. I needed to get these thoughts out of my head. What started out as updates for you became processing for me.

Highlight of yesterday, feeling amazing (6 hours after surgery! I think the anesthesia was still in effect) and staying up until midnight with Ron and mom watching movies. Priceless.