Aug 28, 2012 - Day # 20 - Seven Bras

Day #20: I'm not sure if I've mentioned this or not, but just so there is no mistaken assumption of adoration, I sure do detest these drains. All stinking four of them, although there are two I loathe a bit more than the others. So I feel worthy of having a go away party full of good riddance and best of luck to the four miserable suckers!

When: Wednesday (tomorrow) at 2:45.
Where: Cancer Center Clinic
Who: Lead plastic surgeon He better come with parting gifts in tow (gauze, tape, chew toys for me to bite down on while he pulls them out...and I'm not opposed to cupcakes throw in for good measure.)

And Dear God, all of everything will break loose if he says for any reason they have to stay in another week. He will have to bribe me one more week in exchange for lower body liposuction. It's only fair bartering. This for that. Heave for hoe. I'm willing to forego liposuction though for the sake of all sanity, so hop on that prayer coverage folks! The true celebration will come afterwards when I beg Ron and mom to take me out for dinner on the way home if my stamina will allow it. Surely, an adrenaline high will be my fate for a few hours at least. While, my journey won't come to a close for several weeks to come (He did afterall perform extensive surgery on my pectoral muscle, insert an implant, create a synthetic sling, glue this to that, insert fluff, suture here, suture there) I'm still elated about this drain milestone.

My next milestone in this order will be:
return to life outside these stinking four walls (at least without feeling guilty of sneaking out); resolution of all of this chest pain;
removal of lifting restrictions;
shower By MYSELF;
resumption of exercise;
driving again; back to work.

Think all of that can happen in the next two weeks???? Doubtful, but that is the original agreed on timeline. Six weeks will have flown by! Sort of. Mom is back. Yesterday, she walked in with SEVEN new bras to try out. Having these surgical vests on 24 hours a day was causing all kinds of chaos on my skin and thoracic muscle. Let's talk about pressure points and raw skin. I was in tears simply because of a simple seam. So I'm having to switch bras out about every 12 hours from this to that simple to save my skin. Bet you didn't know that tid bit before this blog post. No underwire. No pushup. No frill. No silk. No nothing but poorly designed 1800s coverage. I am however grateful to be out of the Velcro. So mom, you did very well!!! And quite frankly, what used to fit, fits no more. I've gained weight in this glorious journey. Stress weight no doubt, but you know weight gain is a gals worst enemy. Worst enemy. And then, I've downsized in other front line areas. We can blame the plastic surgeon and medical technology for this result. After a mastectomy, you don't have underlying tissue to build on top of unlike super models who are adding to their baseline conditions... so you are at the mercy of 800 grams of less of silicone. (Did we or did we not land a man on the moon?) People, 800 grams is not very much.

Without being overly graphic as this is social media after all, but still maintaining transparency as promised, they are weird. Every mastectomy patient I had talked with...every one of them... said, "Sally, you are going to love the results. They do an amazing job!", or something along those lines. Well let me tell you, I'm not sure I agree. I'm pretty positive I don't. They just aren't me. I look and see something foreign. Great work if this was all I had to compare it to, but I don't. I have a lot to compare it to. I have my pre mastectomy self to compare it to, very flawed as they were, but they were what I had known for 20+ years. They were me, and they were mine. These are not me (ok, so I admit they are now mine) but they are weird. Imagine getting a new set of eyes. Wouldn't that freak you out going to the mirror expecting the beautiful old green hue you have always cherished only to find stinking muddy brown in return? (not that i have anything against brown eyes...they write songs about brown after all.) Or let's try your hands. You've looked at those a million times in your life. Try lopping those off, inserting a new one that is covered in different colors, spots, size, texture, and consistency, and guess what? Now, they are yours! You used to have small petite hands, now you have enormous man hands. Try that on for size!

There is one very distinct difference I have assumed from the get go based on my vast oncology experience both personal and professional. In breast cancer after the diagnosis is confirmed, I imagine you quickly start to view your own breast as dangerous. Out to kill you. Life threatening. And you can't wait to do everything in your power to kill tumor cells, including resorting to mastectomy. Good riddance, so long, can't get them off fast enough. They are killing you so you need them gone!! In preventative/prophylactic mastectomies, as in my case, there really is no problem. No emergency. No life threatening scenario (yet anyway). So you feel like you are trading in something perfectly fine for some imposter in return. When you are large chested, as I was, and when you have had so much radiation in the past that you virtually glow in the dark, you don't have any choices in reconstruction. You get what you get. One option, chosen by a surgeon that you hope likes you and wants the best for you (I happened to luck up here). Wake up from surgery, and there you have it folks! Distorted, taunt, super heavy, strangely smaller, painful, lumpy...Foreign hands! And hands that will need a lot of revision as years pass. Maybe even in a few weeks. New hands! Or in my case new fake "breasts". Imposters. Beautiful on someone else because I've never seen yours before. On me, imposters. His best work with what he had. But still.

So there you have it. Perspective. Other mastectomy patients may disagree, but this is where I am today. All that said, God have me an opportunity to be saved from best cancer that was in my future. (more on that remarkable story later). So for that, these are the best boobs ever! Breast cancer free. Back to what matters. Surgical drains out hopefully tomorrow!!! 2:45. It's where the party is at.