Aug 15, 2012 - Day # 8 - Silver linings

Ron couldn't believe how long they were) but I wanted to kiss her once they were out. She did pick up on the fact that I had an enormous amount of anxiety about this phase of the mastectomy process. I don't know if the constant crying was a dead give away or the not so suttle shallow fast paced breathing, particularly when she went to unwrap my surgical vest. 

Now to give you some background, up until this point I had been doing everything in my power to avoid looking at my scars. EVERYTHING to avoid it. Including one day when I was having a lot of extra pain at my drain sight, I sent Ron and my sister in on a scavenger hunt into the surgical vest to find the culprit. Ron has a flashlight, Amy had a map (me pointing and describing the location) while I had my eyes shut tighter than fort knox hyperventilating the entire time. You see, I have absolutely NO problem looking at your surgery wounds, your kid's scrapped up knee, my patient's chest drains, a stapled forehead....but when it comes to MY bandaid and bruises....I need a trashcan and quick! This is all new since the mastectomy. I was totally fine before. So boy were they my hero to volunteer to go in and see such a sight on my behalf. To give you some perspective, the surgeon said today that "you sure do have a mess in there". It's not pretty (but it will be one day).

Back to the story...she unwrapped my surgical vest to check the tissue and blood flow and I got huge praises that everything looked excellent where skin viability is concerned. It far exceeded her expectations. We don't have any skin loss so far. And that answers our third "please".

I was able to regain my composure when she strapped me back in and sealed me up tight. I could breath again. Until.......holy moly she broke my heart and told me that I could no longer wear the vest. I was NOT expecting that. How in the world am I going to go through the next several days without wearing a blind fold? I'm still mentally sorting through that. Pray people, pray! She also said that my anxiety level about the post mastectomy to pre reconstruction period was super high (I already knew that) and she really wanted me to find ways to vent that out. She said I need to just grieve. (I started that last night - see previous post). She said I need to get mad at the world, feel distraught, grieve the loss of my two members, and feel all the stages that come with a chaotic diagnosis or circumstance. She said I was trying to hold it all together and that was hurting me. So guess what, I now have formal approval to grieve. I don't have to hold it all together. I need to go through the feelings of it all. I'm such an overacheiver that I decided to at that very moment put grieving on the to-do list so I can make sure I do just that.

Ok, on to phase two. Spend the next 4 days getting used to this new body. I can shower! All my neighbors are grateful to hear that. On Monday morning I will have surgery number 2. Lead Plastic Surgeon is not really sure what he is going to do. He wants to get into the skin and see what the tissue of the chest wall looks like. I will either come out with temporary extenders in place or some form of an implant. I will know what is what when I wake up. Too funny. There are a few downsides:

1) I have to get the stinking drains put back in during surgery and they will stay in for that week. GRRR! Kick and scream

2) I should expect more pain from this next surgery than the mastectomy. Now THAT I was NOT expecting!

3) We don't yet know if there will need to be a third surgery. 

All in all a great appointment, with all kinds of silver linings. The drains are OUT! The Anxiety is lessened. And God is growing your prayer walks by your praying for me. I just love that and am so grateful for your investment in my journey. And thank you for letting me vent and process here. Doctors orders!

Now I'm off to go put on my sleep mask so Ron can help me remove all of this gauze and the surgical vest. Bye Bye vest, you have been my kindred spirit. Deep breath in, Super deep breath out. Pray for my sanity here. 

Our second "please" was also answered. My metamucil did not kick in during the appt. Enough said on that. I will move on. 

See you tomorrow.