November 1, 2015 - Difficulty learning to un-collect

I'm completely fine looking forward. I'm completely fine looking back. It is when I do them simultaneously in a moment of comparison that the Lord reveals the condition of my heart. I'm not sure whether I measure this current moment as success or failure. They seem so intertwined on most days. Success in that we are taking that leap of faith without knowing the path forward. Failure is measured in my greed of what I leave behind.

It started almost 6 month ago. This prompting, prodding, nudging of leaving this house for something different. Call it downsizing. Call is re-programming. Call it crazy! Call it long over due. Call it against the normal american flow. Call it DAUNTING. Many terms could be applied and each would carry its merit. Right now I am in the middle of the undulating chaos that ripples as an outcome of our most recent decision. We've done it. We've chosen a path with an unpublished ending. Our house is going on the market this very week. And now we are in the run around like crazy mode of getting everything done. I feel like these last seven days have been 2 months. I would bet I have crammed 800 hours of tasks into 72 hours. I've scrubbed and buffed and tweaked and evaluated and measured, and now... I'm tired physically. I'm tired emotionally. And this coming week will be more crazy than last. I'm told our house is going to sell rather quickly...and there unearthed in that revelation is the condition of my heart.            

It's so easy to find a house when you are upgrading. More square footage. More amenities. More "American dream".  More collecting. There is much less superficial delight when you are downsizing. Less amenities. Less "American dream". My joy comes in hearing his voice and following, but then I walk into the prospective house and find less of my worldly treasures. I've grown so accustomed to gathering "more" in this life. And now I am in the midst of hitting the "reset" button. Just when I think I have made a progressive step forward, I find myself staring at my granite in remorse for leaving it behind. I'm having difficulty learning to un-collect.

We've set a budget and we will get what we get. And right now that is the unknown. This whole process is such a mixed bag of emotions. Joy in recognizing that we did it. We followed God's prompt even when on paper it sounds a little crazy. Terror in not knowing where you are going. Fear in leaving behind what you perfectly love and adore. Anxiety in the "what ifs". Security in financial decision making. Warmth in deciding in tandem to jump in full force with your spouse. God is tweaking me in this moment as I listen to his goals for my life and better align my own in tow. Now, the goal is for me not to derail him with my own greed and desires. I know he is not calling all of us in this same way as he leads each of us in paths chosen directly for us, but for whatever reason, he is calling Ron and I to step out of this house and into something...well into something I don't have clarity about just yet.

We were originally going to embark on this journey alone, but then remembered journeys are to be shared and prayed over. Doing this alone just didn't make sense anymore. Our house is going on the market this week. Pretty soon Ron and I will have no place to live. I think you now know your prayer task. And while we are at it, my mindset fluctuates. Sometimes I soar! Sometimes I derail. You can pray for that as well.

(I'm reminded of God's provision from last spring when all of this prompting started. I walked outside and looked up to see this reminder of his faithfulness. God, breathe your breath into my life. Do your thing!)


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