Sept 7, 2012 - Day # 30 - Card carrying member

Day 30: Have I mentioned before that I have an Implant ID Card I'm supposed to safe guard? Bet you didn't know that. Seriously, I have an ID card that presents all the "stats" of my wonderful new impostors.

Side A:
Patient Name: Sally McCollum
Date of surgery: 8/20/12
Doctor's Name: Lead Plastic Surgeon (name changed to protect the guilty)
Breast Implant Size: 800 grams
Final Fill volume

Side B:
Implant ID Card- This device is a tracked device
Left: Smooth Round High Profile Gel (High profile makes me giggle. And they are anything BUT smooth!)
Lot #: XXXXX
Right: Smooth Round High Profile Gel
Lot #: XXXXX

This strikes me as hysterical. What exactly am I supposed to do with this Implant ID card???

"Hello, Officer. I'm sorry I was speeding. Here's my implant ID card and my official car registration." Insert big grin and hope for the best? Or maybe it's like tthis. Cashier: "That will be $42.37 for the bra and matching panty."  and then Me: "Do you offer discounts to implant ID card holders?"

So here it sits on my table with me wondering what in the world am I to do with it. I could frame it and mount it in the hallway for all to see. Card on the left, up close picture of impostors on the right. All highlighted with focused frame lighting. Would you enjoy that as your house decor? These implants are high profile after all. They deserve some sort of in-your-face placement.  Rolling my eyes. After further investigation I find out implants are considered "devices" and tracked by the FDA in case of a recall. Recall! Can't you imagine how that would play out. I wonder if they call you and say they are shipping news ones in the mail to arrive on Friday. In the box you find a shipping return label to send back the recalled boobs. They better provide free shipping! Or maybe I show up at Lead Plastic Surgeon's office for an exchange. All these ladies lined up with Smooth High Profile Implants Lot # XXXXX waiting for their switch out. Kind of hope there is a recall just so I can see how that unfolds.

And did I mention that this isn't a one time fit all kind of Implant? Lead Plastic Surgeon said I am going to need to make modifications as time goes on. To which I asked what time frame are you talk about? 20 yrs? 30 yrs? "Sally, more like 1 or 2 yrs. And initially maybe in a few weeks or months."


Evidently, I'm more likely to need "modifications" because of all of my radiation exposure and damage to the chest wall. (Dang you, radiation!) He envisions one of my implants "slipping out of place". Now wouldn't that be hysterical! There I am standing in the front of the lecture hall teaching the new Transplant Fellows about Bone Marrow Graft Rejection and PLOP my left boob falls (sorry, "slips") down to my navel. That's going to be a little hard to work into the topic of discussion. Wait, maybe not. "And here we have an illustration, Fellows. My chest wall just rejected my implant graft!" How's that for spot on? Humor, it's life saving.

So I've mentioned all of this lumpiness. Let me explain that a little more. I don't have any fat tissue left in my breast skin envelope. Remember, all the fat was removed in the mastectomy procedure. So said contents include:

• Skin- now scarred and glorious
• High profile smooth round implant (hehehe!)
• Pectoral Muscle that has been lifted and tacked back down - source of awful pain
• Dermal slings -basically a hammock that holds implant in place so it doesn't fall to navel as described above. My pectoral muscle wasn't wide enough to hold the implant per the surgical report. This sling is pulling at the weight of the implant. Source of awful pain
• Glue to hold everything in place- I'm serious. Glue!

So do you see why I was worried about the exercises and popping something like an implant, hammock, or muscle? Nowhere is there fat. I see the irony in that since a boob technically is fat. The lumpiness and dividing is coming from the gel implant and skin not matching up. It needs some fat to even things out. So it looks like I am going to have "fat filler" injected in under my skin at some point after the "settling" finishes up. I can't wait to start that! Needles inserted in to boob. Exactly what I had planned for a Friday afternoon. This settling is taking for stinking ever. And I don't like it one bit. Maybe I'm a little bitter. So there will be other procedures in my future either to inject filler, re tack a "slipped" implant, replace said implant if too much scar tissue develops around it. And here I was naive in thinking I get reconstruction and that's that. I guess me and Lead Plastic Surgeon will have a long term relationship. Delightful. Just what I wanted. I truly can't wait to show up at an oncology committee meeting and there sitting across the table is Lead Breast Surgeon and to her right, Lead Plastic Surgeon. That will be a fun day. (For the record this already happens every Thursday for me with Breast Oncologist and Lymphoma Oncologist). How many people can we fit in a formal meeting that have seen my tatas? Loads of fun, people. Loads. Definitely something you should sign up for. I will send you an application form.

Updates for today:

• Drove about 10 miles- a tad less gritting of the teeth, maybe up to 50 mph, no horn honking, still a lot of tense knuckle gripping, sweating, panic filled moments. But progress.  
• More pain/boo tension today than yesterday. You never know what you are going to get on any given day. Yesterday was the best day I've had so far. Then, evening came and it all crumbled. I've mentioned how easily I wear out as the day goes on. Today, I'm only so-so. This is what terrifies me (well, one of the things) about going back to work. I may start the morning out fine, then noon hits and I'm done. Exhausted. And walking from place to place. I'm super worried about walking any sort of distance and carrying things. I need a hover round scooter. = )
• Still no mirror progress. I just can't do it yet. I don't know when I will be ready, but I know it isn't any time soon. As fate would have it I did catch a glimpse of one of the super red scars on left impostor when I was sitting in the tub. I reached over to turn the water off and staring back at me in the chrome finish of the vent plate was the awful glued up scar. I super quickly averted my eyes, grabbed my sternum, and waited it out. Ridiculous. I am ridiculous! But it is what it is. That isolated moment proved I wasn't ready. Booblumpsalot will just have to make it's debut at a later moment. I'm not ready and that's that.
• I still have faith that God has my best interest at heart (or at least someone else's best interest). That gets me through the chaos.

TaTa for now!