Sept 19, 2012 - Day # 42 - Not what I was hoping

Day 42: Summary of today's appointment.

What I wanted to hear: "Sally, we see this all the time, it will heal in it's own time. Let's be patient."
What I got instead: "Sally, We are dangerously close to being in a bad place."

And there you have it. It's not fun when you don't get what you want. (Insert the temper tantrum of the 37 yr old.) While the wound is still small, he was very disappointed that it had not yet healed or at least improved some. The tissue underneath is healthy looking right now so that is our hope, but he is still very worried about the risk of infection. I asked if we could stitch it up and he said a stitch would increase the infection risk. Basically, there's not much of anything we can control right now, and that's a helpless feeling. Let the body do what the body is going to do and hope for the best. He said "we are going to think positive!" Well, I asked him to be honest with me . What are we talking about?

Infection...then damage underneath...then infected implant...then implant out....wait many months....reconstruction again....end result the last 6 weeks was all for nothing.
Well talk about something smacking you in the face! Silence and cricket chirps.

So now I have landed:

• A more extensive cleaning regimen with wet to dry dressings 3 times a day. That is going to make work a load of fun.
• Back on restrictions- no lifting of arms or carrying anything heavy
• Weekly appointments
• No more bra (we bargained around that and came up with a compromise)
• Watch and wait and pray things go our way.

I frankly don't want to start all over and do this again. Even a small reality of that brings me to tears. (By the way, restart the tear count back to zero.) I went into this appointment really believing he was going to say "No worries. It will heal. Give it some time." Seeing the look on his face and hearing his words of what our risks are if this progresses really hit Ron and I. It's too overwhelming to even think about. Do this all again, but a longer period of concave chest? I take back all the bad things I said about you Impostor Smooth Round High Profile Gel Boob! I adore you, You are the greatest! Please stay forever! My chest is now your wonderful home and we welcome you!

It's not been a great day, but that is relative to what you compare it to. Thousands would choose my day over where they stand at this very moment. I can think of one woman I ran in to today in the waiting room. She would choose my shoes in a heartbeat. I'm going to embrace that. God is the great healer. He's the power over all anxiety and worry. This I know....I still need 12 hours to absorb and kick and scream about this current hurdle. I trust His plan, but I may not be eager to go through it. I desperately and selfishly ask LET THIS WOUND GO AWAY! The look of frustration on Lead Surgeon's Face spoke volumes to me.

Wound cleaning time. Fun for all involved.