Day 26: Today is supposed to be one of my solo days. Ron is here, but I get the impression I'm supposed to pretend he is not. Scarey!!! We are prepping the placement of things. Moving high to low, and pulling things from back to front. But it just seems all too early. I'm awful at failure.
I'm a bit more sore this morning but want to attribute that to the car ride yesterday (I felt like a jelly ...
I'm a bit more sore this morning but want to attribute that to the car ride yesterday (I felt like a jelly ...
mold shaking and jiggling in the back seat), but there may be some nervous pain rolled up into the big picture.
When Ron came to pick me up yesterday from my mom's, we both instinctively leaned in for a big squeeze your innards out kind of hug. I adore those. I crave those. I advocate for those. Try it! Now! Find a stranger and squeeze their insides out! (Inquire about personal space rules first though particularly if you are on the job today.) About two inches before the embrace, a quick stop of recognition of the mistake we were about to make. Then, a soggy ole frustrated let down. I miss those hugs! I'm ready to be able to run in for the romantic tragedy kind of sweep you of your feet, whirl you around, follow up with a smooch kind of hug! Ok,I admit we have never whirled each other around, but still. It's been four weeks since I've done a worthy hug with anyone! That's like neglect. Call in the law, fill out paper work, remove me from the household kind of neglect. For both parties involved. These scars get in the way of life! They sure know how to rain on a coming home party. They are bothersome. They ruin all kinds of intent.
I wanted to mattress shop...alas, I can't lie down flat to test them out. I need to dress shop for an event in October...well that's impossible when you can't clothe yourself or put on a normal bra. I want to go to the movies...can i even sit an hour in a chair I can't reposition? I want to dress in normal clothes and actual fix my hair...guess what, the dryer is too heavy and my reach restricted so I can't touch the top of my head. Hello business in the front, but unfortunately a drug party in the back.(Flashback to mullet descriptions of the 90s).
I have allot of "I wants" right now. I feel a little burned out. I'm eager to see some lumpiness resolve. I need some Sally time. Please, oh please let driving be right around the next corner. I would even drive to the proctologist if that allowed me to drive! (Hint of desperation.)
All that said, it's a little frightening coming to this Monday where I'm supposed to start the rehab exercises. No joke lost in me that it's Labor Day! Dare I postpone to tomorrow?!?! But today is the try out day. Tomorrow, Ron is back at work, mom at her home a few cities away, and me finding out if I have a chance of making the team. (insert the butterflies of 10 mins before hearing your name at track tryouts...however it would never be track for me. There would have to be a doberman chasing me to pull a run out of these knees.) How can doing every day tasks elicit such an emotion? Because there's always the fear of failure in life. Sitting on the bench desperately wanting to say this is the day. Not meeting coach's expectations. Honestly, not even knowing the expectations other than you have two weeks from today to "be well". Well let me tell you something, Mr. Lead surgeon!!! "I don't yet feel well!!!!" But boy do I crave it!
Raising a glass to giving it my best shot! I'm actually going to look in the mirror today. I haven't done that even once since the reconstruction. I've been very purposeful about not doing that. I actually have no idea what the big picture looks like. I've never once seen the reconstruction scars. I've glanced down to put on a shirt or access a specific pain, but I've yet to see their all amazing lumpy, discolored, unsettled glory looking back at me in a reflection. It's absurd that I haven't looked. Denial is a very effective technique for a bit, but boy will it destroy some things.
Working up my nerve...today, I will embrace the mirror and all it's reflections! Poor mirror, it no doubt feels my same hug neglect. But the silver lining is I have 12 hours to get this done and it still be called today. But I wouldn't watch the clock if I were you.
When Ron came to pick me up yesterday from my mom's, we both instinctively leaned in for a big squeeze your innards out kind of hug. I adore those. I crave those. I advocate for those. Try it! Now! Find a stranger and squeeze their insides out! (Inquire about personal space rules first though particularly if you are on the job today.) About two inches before the embrace, a quick stop of recognition of the mistake we were about to make. Then, a soggy ole frustrated let down. I miss those hugs! I'm ready to be able to run in for the romantic tragedy kind of sweep you of your feet, whirl you around, follow up with a smooch kind of hug! Ok,I admit we have never whirled each other around, but still. It's been four weeks since I've done a worthy hug with anyone! That's like neglect. Call in the law, fill out paper work, remove me from the household kind of neglect. For both parties involved. These scars get in the way of life! They sure know how to rain on a coming home party. They are bothersome. They ruin all kinds of intent.
I wanted to mattress shop...alas, I can't lie down flat to test them out. I need to dress shop for an event in October...well that's impossible when you can't clothe yourself or put on a normal bra. I want to go to the movies...can i even sit an hour in a chair I can't reposition? I want to dress in normal clothes and actual fix my hair...guess what, the dryer is too heavy and my reach restricted so I can't touch the top of my head. Hello business in the front, but unfortunately a drug party in the back.(Flashback to mullet descriptions of the 90s).
I have allot of "I wants" right now. I feel a little burned out. I'm eager to see some lumpiness resolve. I need some Sally time. Please, oh please let driving be right around the next corner. I would even drive to the proctologist if that allowed me to drive! (Hint of desperation.)
All that said, it's a little frightening coming to this Monday where I'm supposed to start the rehab exercises. No joke lost in me that it's Labor Day! Dare I postpone to tomorrow?!?! But today is the try out day. Tomorrow, Ron is back at work, mom at her home a few cities away, and me finding out if I have a chance of making the team. (insert the butterflies of 10 mins before hearing your name at track tryouts...however it would never be track for me. There would have to be a doberman chasing me to pull a run out of these knees.) How can doing every day tasks elicit such an emotion? Because there's always the fear of failure in life. Sitting on the bench desperately wanting to say this is the day. Not meeting coach's expectations. Honestly, not even knowing the expectations other than you have two weeks from today to "be well". Well let me tell you something, Mr. Lead surgeon!!! "I don't yet feel well!!!!" But boy do I crave it!
Raising a glass to giving it my best shot! I'm actually going to look in the mirror today. I haven't done that even once since the reconstruction. I've been very purposeful about not doing that. I actually have no idea what the big picture looks like. I've never once seen the reconstruction scars. I've glanced down to put on a shirt or access a specific pain, but I've yet to see their all amazing lumpy, discolored, unsettled glory looking back at me in a reflection. It's absurd that I haven't looked. Denial is a very effective technique for a bit, but boy will it destroy some things.
Working up my nerve...today, I will embrace the mirror and all it's reflections! Poor mirror, it no doubt feels my same hug neglect. But the silver lining is I have 12 hours to get this done and it still be called today. But I wouldn't watch the clock if I were you.
3 comments:
Kat Tinsley: Sally, I am blessed with a lawyer neighbor who cooks like a mad-dog, so her food provides "hugs" that my furbabies can't. She just delivered a scratch-made waffle with melting butter and warm syrup - oh, what a hug!! :) Grandkidlets are great with the hugs, too!
Polly Morgan: Simply put....I love you!
Kimberly Ann Rice: Sally, this post was precious, I love your writing and I'm hugging you from here
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