Aug 19, 2012 - Day # 12 - See ya on the other side (night before recon)

Day 12: God is smiling on me today. I woke up to the most glorious rain! Anybody that even remotely knows me knows I adore rain, and lots of it. What a great sound to wake up to. As I was laying in the floor this morning with Ron listening to the rain... (background: in the middle of the night my back was killing me in bed. It's really not fun for a side sleeper to be restricted to four weeks of back sleeping. So I gathered up my necessities and made my way down to the floor at the foot of my bed and the next thing I know, here comes Ron with his pillow and a tiny little throw blanket. Well that got me chuckling and I just could not stop laughing when I looked down and saw his long feet sticking out the end of the too small blanket. I haven't laughed like that in weeks and believe me it was a triumph cause it is near impossible to laugh these days with this chest scars. But how devoted is he that he left our comfy king sized bed to climb in the floor with me. Precious!) Anyway, as I was laying in the floor I started thinking about the yin and the yang of tomorrow's surgery. I am absolutely delighted, ecstatic, emotionally committed to getting out of this current state of the past 12 days. It's been painful, it's been emotionally challenging, and it's really tested my character and my faith. I failed in a couple of those areas, but I pick my straps up and move on. Let's face it, it's tough for any woman to go from something relatively fine to something banged up, awful to look at, painful and scarred. This is something I just didn't understand 2 months ago. (So this is also something I've gained. More empathy.) I'm super grateful to be getting that piece of me back, even if it is an fabricated knock off version of the before. I'll take it to feel some sense of normalcy again in that area.

However, here comes the yang. Again, don't get me wrong. I'm so blessed God gave me options for reconstruction. I know there are women out there who don't have this option. Either for further therapy or lack of financial means or what not. Those women have my devotion. Bless them for their journey. But I'm not excited about having to go through the next phase. So as I lie in the floor, I'm thinking the miserable thoughts us humans get caught up in. The drains are coming back in less than 24 hours! The pain is going to multiply by hundreds. The scars are going to be opened back up. Restriction! Instead of focusing on God's provision and grace of actually having the ability to get reconstruction, my mind first goes to the inconvenience of what lies ahead.

I wish I could have first thought of the blessings. Maybe, in some ways I did as I've been trying to find all the silver linings as I go, but I need to continue to fight the self pity we so often allow to creep into our predicaments and journeys. I want to get to a place in all my journeys where I allow myself a moment to grieve, to struggle, to feel, but then push that aside to grow.

This journey shall water me. I will be different on the other side, but I will be better. I will be closer to my spouse and family and closer to many of you. I will be better able to relate to women across the globe who embrace a mastectomy. My medical practice will be better. My prayer life stronger, as will be that of yours. God always has something up his sleeve. It may be pain and struggle for some which results in glory and triumph in that same life or the life of others down the road. There is purpose. In the mean time, I'm nervous about tomorrow morning and the next few weeks. Please let the pain control be better this time around. Please let the drains be my friend. Please let the surgeon do his best work ever (he promised me he would). Smile. Please don't let my body reject the implant down the road.... And let God's glory prevail. See ya on the other side!