April 25, 2016 - It is ok to visit

I really don’t sit around thinking about mastectomy all day. I really don’t though it may seem like it from some of these posts.  It’s been 3.5 years since my original mastectomy. Come on Sally, you say, move on! But six surgeries later, writing a blog, and then being surrounded by awesomeness in people and things, and also having friends going through a similar road, well, it sort of just comes up. Or other times, like now. I come across something and it puts me back into the moment.

“It’s ok to have a meltdown, just don’t unpack and live there.”  TobyMac

Hum. I mean ok, Toby, you sort of just opened up my mind here for a moment. You are actually saying it is OK to have a meltdown. You are giving us permission to be impacted and to feel.  Are you saying I don’t have to hold it all together and plant the smile on my face? Are you saying I don’t have to be “perfect Sally” and be the poster child for enduring chaos? You are….well you are going against a lot of what this societal life has taught me. And guess what? I love you for it!

When is the last time you allowed yourself to grieve? And when is the last time you let someone else know you were grieving? I don’t mean pass-me-a–tissue so I can dab the corner of my eye, but rather a get-out-of-the-way because Blubbering-Snotting-Sobbing-Sally needs not a moment, but rather a few hours, kind of grieve?.  Or when was the last time you were so angry that it propelled you forward into positive motion? Too often our angry drags us down into a place of negative outcomes. But when have you allowed yourself a therapeutic angry moment that produces forward motion for change? For can there not be healing that comes out of a few moments spent in Meltdown? We live in a society where we are constantly being measured against….well against absolutely everything. We are praised for holding our heads up high and conquering life. We have facebook pages celebrating our perfection and our ability to make life not only “easy”, but the envy of the faces looking in. We publish and post our story book days of our awesomeness all captured in one photo with all 2.5 kids (or cats!) smiling joyously under the perfectly aligned sunbeam, a husband refreshed from his most recent golf game, and ourselves plucked straight from the makeup table and designer closet  and now huddled together after family devotion earlier that morning posing in our “perfection”.  Don’t get me wrong, these things are great and surely those moments really do exists at times, and oh what a joy it is when that all comes together. But I would guess the majority of life is a little more down-to-earth trying to get little Charlie to sit still for just 3 seconds,  hoping husband Paul is relaxed enough to even want to be around us, all while trying to convince myself simply to get out of bed after an exhausted work week while juggling life at home. We inhabit a world expecting perfection and we subscribe to the theory that as long as you keep a smile on your face and positive thinking intact while presenting an “I can do it, and I can do it well!” mentality, well then you excel.

I have two childhood friends, who happen to be sisters, who unknowingly help keep my gut in check. Both excel at allowing their life online to be what it really is. A whole lot of joy and a whole lot of frustration all mixed into a 24 hour day. They have no qualms about positing a picture of disheveled hair, faces covered in flour as they try to squeeze in baking a cake needed for a school function  all while realizing they forgot Little Scotty an hour ago in the carpool line. They each give themselves permission to be real in a world of very real moments where we are expected to be everything someone else told us to be. Well, you know what? Real is something I really crave. And real is something that makes me love them more for being genuine. It’s also something that gives me permission to be disheveled Sally putting one foot in front of another.

So as I came across these words above tonight in my reading, I felt empowered to be real. I do this well in a lot of ways, but I’m also guilty of making sure I am setting the example of “get through life before life gets to you” mentality. I think back to days during mastectomy where it was really hard. I mean REALLY hard. And I wonder why I kept so many of those hidden. I wonder if there was this underlying expectation of myself to be “good at mastectomy”, “good at life”, “perfect without teetering”. Sure, I was transparent, maybe even more so than most, particularly as I did it on social media. But I painted only some of the story, a carefully selected some, not only to your eyes here but also to my inner circle of friends who walked beside me. By painting a half-baked perspective of my story, I also cultivated in you a half-baked expectation of what mastectomy could bring.  There are so many stories I have not told, some of which might have done some good by showing someone else it’s ok to grieve. It’s ok to not be ok. It’s ok to not have it all together.  It’s ok to hold your head high on the days you can, and hold your head down on the days you can’t. Even in turmoil, we feel the need to “live up to” everyone else no matter what life throws our way. Well, I for one am tired of living a life of comparisons. I want to live in an environment where it is ok to simply be where you are. The good, the bad, the meltdown. For this is where God can truly shine. There is where He equips you and others to bring yourself back up.  

I’m not saying we need to cover the world and our social media pages or personal conversations  with our struggles, I’m saying we need to give ourselves permission to be ok or when needed, to not be ok. We need to be ok to post a picture of chaos and to open our “perfect lives” to the imperfect world it really is. We see courageous battles played out at every turn celebrating heads held high, but we rarely see the real candid heart-retching moments we hide underneath.  We need to learn to embrace and celebrating enduring ( and then triumphing) over the hard moments. We must find people in our life who can go through the trenches with us, work to remove the stigma of imperfection, and create an environment to be exactly what we are, where we are, and how we are when going through this life. Give yourself and those in your inner circle permission to have the meltdown, and then let the inner circle of friends do what God created them to do… help pick us back up. It’s time to get real! It’s time to not be perfect. It’s time to be whatever you need to be while navigating your journey. Just remember, you don’t have to unpack and live there, but know it is ok to visit there while you heal.

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April 22, 2016 - So many discussions we simply aren't having

I’m convinced one of the most challenging aspects of mastectomy fall under how a woman perceives herself on the other side. I’ve had enough interactions now with enough women going through mastectomy to know the responses are vastly varied and in some cases the effects vastly profound. This was confirmed (and also discussed in a Previous Post) when Lead Breast Surgeon who did my mastectomy, not the reconstruction, followed up with me 6 months after my initial surgery. She wanted to inquire about my perception of self, my sex life and overall intimacy. Now, that was a shocker of a discussion let me say, but I was so impressed that she was choosing to think past the cuts and sutures of the skin and dig deeper into the cuts and sutures of her patients’ (and their partners) emotions. She was giving the woman the opportunity to be open and honest about the less thought about impacts of mastectomy. Well, 1000 cheers to her for going above and beyond (and one of the many reasons she was recently named one of Time Magazine’s Most Influential People).

Just this week, it came up again. I was speaking with a friend “Katie” who had recently undergone mastectomy and was inquiring as to how she was dealing with everything. Katie was saying how she simply didn’t feel feminine anymore. She is doing so well physically, but emotionally, she’s struggling. And this surgery wasn’t yesterday, it was many moons ago, yet she is still trying to navigate this reconstructed breast and all it brings to the table. This had me thinking about why there is such a difference in the response of women (and their partners!). I have other friends who say they simply had no trouble at all and grew to love their new breast almost immediately. Then there are others, who hated them at first and then over time found a new way to embrace and maybe even like (love?) the new breast, and then there are others who mourn the loss of old and simply never fully embrace the new.

So why the responses are so varied. Is it a self-imposed perspective of how she thinks the spouse views the new breast? Is it her view of the breast herself? Is it strictly a result of how similar the new breast looks to the old? Or maybe a reflection of how you viewed your old breast and now does the new breast live up to that, or exceed that? Is it the impact of the spouse’s view of the new breast? What drives this vantage point?

I’m thinking there absolutely has to be a baseline building block around the breast itself. I imagine this sets the pace for all thoughts thereafter. Did you upsize, did you downsize. Did you do nipple sparing (and therefore you have the same nipple you had before mastectomy), did you lose the nipple and now have a reconstructed nipple (tattoo, etc.). Are the scars obvious. Are they fairly hidden. Did you do immediate reconstruction. Did you have delayed reconstruction. Were you comfortable with your body before mastectomy. Were you displeased with your body before mastectomy. Did you get implants. Did you use fat-grafting. I certainly think the utter (LOL) basic aspects of the breast itself plays a big role in reconstruction satisfaction. Dare I say breasts are only as good as the surgeon who creates them? Or is it rather two women could have the exact same breast appearance after reconstruction and you get 2 totally different perspectives. I tend to think this latter scenario is where the answer most fully lies. But then, you go in and factor in a second person (spouse or partner) into the equation and you have a whole new level of pressure to like or dislike this new breast. Now let me stop here and say I have a complete score in this area. I had the most supportive spouse you could possibly imagine, but I recognize this isn’t always the case. Women are notorious for being self-conscious, almost to a paralytic fault, so imagine how you feel about a natural breast. Now replace that with a synthetic breast. Voila! Introduce a self-conscious disaster either imposed by yourself, your spouse, or a combination of both.

But this is what I have found uniformly in talking with women after mastectomy. Where you start is not where you will end. Your new breast will not be your old breast. Just know this upfront. Remove the expectation, and remove some of that pressure. But also, your new breast could be very similar to your old breast. This can give you some comfort that in many ways they are just as great (and even better) than the old breast. It may take you a while to get there, but I really think you will get there…over time. And I mean maybe over a long time. It may be a month, it may be several years. But I also realize there may be a few of you that for various reasons may never get there. And that is where I want to encourage you to not sit there in silence. There is absolutely NOTHING that is easy about mastectomy. It’s possibly the most challenging thing I have encountered so far. If you are struggling emotionally, reach out. I promise there is someone else out there that has either felt what you are feeling or knows someone who has. You aren’t strange. You aren’t abnormal. You are simply in a stage of processing and you may need some help with that. There is no right way to feel about all of this, but you aren’t supposed to be alone in it.  As my surgeon told me that day, there are so many discussion we simply aren’t having. We have to find a way to help women get through the emotions and many collateral impacts of mastectomy. This is so much more than removing a diseased breast and women simply don’t anticipate that. We as providers often don’t do our part to get you through it. And I’m now learning we has friends fail you as well.

If you know someone in your inner circle going through mastectomy, help them have open discussions with you. Be someone who can sit quietly and exude an environment of cherished friendship and unwavering support. And if you yourself are going through mastectomy, reach out to someone who can be a safe place to talk about the hard stuff. You don’t need a pat on the back. You need a sincere non-judgmental ear to confide in. This breast in no way defines you, but it certainly impacts you and is worthy of discussion. It’s not enough for me to know you are beautiful. You have to know you are beautiful too, and we need to find a way to support you until you get there. But know this, I have the utmost faith you will get there. In your own time and in your own way. 





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April 5, 2016 - Uncultivating fear

“We magnify the obstacles in front of us and instead minimize the powers and promises of God. It’s time to step out on faith and instead magnify God in the obstacle.”

This was my revelation this past week as I was perfectly placed at just the right moment to hear these words. I spent the next hour writing this down in journal style and mulling over the guts of the sentence. I am certainly wishing I had received this little nugget a few months (and years!) back, but the timing was perfect in its own way as I have been purposely and proactively cultivating my heart these past few months. More specifically, I’ve been navigating this ongoing realization that my reactions during perceived chaos/obstacle can powerfully dictate, both positively and negatively, everything moving forward. Simply put, I often set the wrong tone for my obstacle. 

If there is anything I am guilty of in hardship, it is in being reactive. I first learned this about myself a fews years back in my job, but later drilled down to see this existed in a more powerful way personal life. When someone says something harsh to me, without thinking it through or getting to the core of it, I immediately fall to the defensive. When my character is second guessed, I immediately jump in to defend myself. A project falls apart, I dive in head first with some sort of fast paced off the cuff reaction. Insert Event, Insert Sally’s reaction.  In a moment of hardship, I’m learning this is not my most stellar trait. I’ve successfully reformulated this in my professional life to work for the positive instead of the negative, but I am still in the reformulation stages in the non-work areas of my life.

Reactivity can be great in a moment of celebration or in response to someone else’s need. You are celebrating a moment in life, woo hoo, I am right there to be excited with you. Bring out the balloons and cake and let’s do that right now without delay! When someone has a physical or emotional need, I am happy to jump right in and see what I can do. You lost your job? I am immediate in my response of ok, how can we get you through this? Those are all positive examples of how being reactive can push me forward in a productive and triumphant motion. I love this trait of reactivity when it produces a positive outcome. But let’s turn those tables for a moment. Insert an obstacle, a diagnosis, a let down, a not-so-good surprise that affects ME and we will see that reactivity in a whole new light.

I recall driving down the highway one night after work 4 years ago. It’s funny because in hindsight I have no idea where I was going. And that seems strange to me because this isn’t a road I travel often after work, so one would think I would have the destination figured out, but it alludes me now almost 4 years later. However, the moment itself is drilled down into my memory. I can picture the placement of things in the car, and I know the exact exit I was passing when I held the phone to my ear and heard my mom pick up on the other end.  In that moment, instead of having a positive reactive moment, I was smack in the middle of the first 24 hours of a reactive floundering in fear. Yesterday, everything was perfectly normal. I was surely planning events for the upcoming weekend and looking forward to a movie with Ron later in the week. Today, however, while driving from work to wherever I was going my world was teetering on its orbit. With the opening of one email earlier that morning, in a split second reading of one confirmatory sentence, everything had changed. I went from thoughts of what are we having for dinner, to rapid paced thoughts of double mastectomy and the disbelief that this would most likely be my future.  From the opening of that email and onward in my day (and for weeks later), I simply lost the ability to concentrate as fear bubbled up from my core. The rest of the day was lost on me as I simply went through the tasks of the day while counting the minutes until I could get to my car where I would be alone with my thoughts to process what now lay on my plate. And there, in the car, the reactive pot of “why in the world is this happening to me?” all fueled by a fear of the unknown continued to boil. Rational thought was nowhere to be found. I drove for a bit trying to sort up from down and then instinctively picked up my phone and dialed. “Mom , I have some news……” 

I’ve mentioned this before in previous posts, I struggle with a reaction of fear and heightened emotion anytime I find out something untoward in my life. The obstacle is all I can see in the initial moments. It’s magnified in my view 100 fold to where it squeezes out of focus anything else in my life. The good news is very quickly that fear shifts to something more rational and productive, and I can see the reality of life and picking up one foot and putting it in front of the other to be better than I was the moment before. But in the first initial moments of chaos, I see only the perceived magnitude of the obstacle which then propels my reactive response of fear, disbelief and the anger of “why”. Then Fear sets the pace for the rest of my struggle.This past November after getting “bad” results on a lung test was the perfect example. One moment of thinking I might have progressive pulmonary fibrosis and I lost focus on what God probably truly intended in that moment. It came later, this understanding that God has great things to do in and through us in obstacle, but it was about a month too late and after I had found myself in zombie mode just trying to get through the busy month of work and moving.

“Fear is cultivated in the soil of disbelief.”

I’m in a season of my life where I am focusing and drilling down on this paralytic fear I can experience at the onset of an obstacle. I desperately want to unlearn this reaction and instead replace it with something that is more productive. I’m working to rid myself of the unsteady view that fear brings and instead fuel myself with the understanding that Faith brings incredible things that God has purposed in that minute. I want to rid myself of magnifying the obstacle.  I no longer want to ask "can you see how I have been harmed?!?" "Can you see how I don’t deserve this struggle?!?" "Can you see.... blah, blah, blah, and on it goes my woe is me. Would I (and you who are on the receiving end of my banter) not better profit from the magnifying of my Faith in God instead? Do I not believe that his ways are better than my own? Do I not believe that even at detriment to myself (a health diagnosis), his story is more important than my health, my circumstance, my wealth? Even when life brings about the most difficult of obstacles, we have to learn to trust in our faith and not our fears. The obstacles are coming. That is a guarantee. If you aren’t currently in one, you can be sure one is around the corner. So when that obstacle comes, because it IS coming, I want to be the person who can see the obstacle for its role in God’s story, instead of focusing on the obstacle and its negative impact on my story. How can my dilemma be a way for God to do great things? How can my obstacle grow myself or someone around me closer to him? I can either be a hindrance to that, or I can be a facilitator of his story. His story will be told no matter what, but will either be through us and our obstacle or without us.

So how do I rid myself of this initial fear of what may be and instead arm myself with a Faith cultivated in the understanding that God’s story is where my joy should lie?

“Faith is cultivated in the soil of assurance”

I want to claim Faith. I want to be a reactive person who goes straight to the positive instead of the negativity that Fear brings. It’s ok to feel emotions. Heartbreak will come. Sadness will lie underneath. All of this is normal in response to loss or potential loss. But in that heartbreak and sadness, instead of packaging that up in a rusted burnt out bow of fear and anger of “why me”, I want for God to shine through a glittery, and empowering bow of Faith in the assurance that God chose this story for me to do his work through me. I want to be a part of his story instead of a hindrance to the glory he has planned, for even in tragedy He brings about great things.

This is where my heart lies right now. I am working on a transformation of response. I’m right in the middle of blossoming a step closer to the version of Sally God designed me to be. And it’s an eye opening road of ups and downs and soul searching.  I’m being purposeful in finding a way to flood myself with a response of Faith and Trust that even in what seems unfair, His story is unfolding.

He is not after some crazy radical response from us, though that may happen, he is simply after our heart. And a reactive heart full of faith is so much more powerful than my reactive heart full of fear.

Sally Version 2.0, learning to uncultivate fear.





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