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Found this great website www.breastcancer.org if you find yourself needing additional information or resource tools for your journey.
February 1, 2014 - The laundry room floor
February 1: I found myself very angry one day this week. Grit your teeth want to bite down on a pillow kind of angry. (You’ll be relieved to know my anger has absolutely nothing to with the imposters.) I knew I was at risk for anger because I’ve been a little edgy this past month with all of the transitions going on. The loss of Ron’s dad, time away from home week after week, the moving from one job to another (which I ended up adoring by the way), the need for vacation, chores stacking up right and left in each corner of the house, tasks, to-do lists, and taxes. First world problems cluttering my day and stupid selfishness allowing it to tweak me. And when I get edgy, I get vulnerable. So this morning when I woke up too late to take someone to the airport and then when I asked Ron to return a purchase and got an edgy response (he’s been on edge as well for far more valid reasons that I have to offer), I snapped! Broke in half! Crunch, crackle, splat. No more edge, the edge was long gone and now replaced with full blown anger! Huff, puff, stomp away, tears running down my face, can’t even make a full sentence blubbering kind of anger. Silly really, but there it stood in all its glory- the ugly side of Sally. And every single thing I hate about my angered self bubbled up to the tip top of my cup and spillith over into a pool of ungodly.
I left the room to go gather myself together, get my wits about me, find my loving forgiving self, and instead as I straightened up the pillows and picked up clothes off the floor, I seethed! The anger percolated and at that very moment both (as there can’t be more than two!) unkind words Ron had ever said to me can to mind (I was really scraping the bottom of the memory bucket) and fueled my evil wicked witch ugliness until the top could no longer be contained! “I’ll get you my pretty and your little doggy too!” I purposefully grabbed my crooked wooden broom and GPSed my self-righteous self into the laundry room where Ron happened to be washing clothes and let it all come spewing out of my bitter hearted self. I will overcome! I will tally my score! And I will leave the room cold hearted and in triumph! He will see my amazing perspective and puddle himself in a pool of regret at the bottom of my newly found ruby red glitter slippers. Gone is the you-are-my-better-half mentality and instead sat every bit of my you-would-be-a-better-man-because-of-me stupidity.
Well, it’s several hours later and it didn’t exactly turn out like my innate human self-centered person had planned. I did throw my anger driven point of view right into the center of the laundry pile along with all the dirty socks, shirts and towels, and spewed out my words in pitiful heart-filled tears escalating with every robust vowel and swirly consonant. Then, I left the room in nothing but empty lonely disgust. Though not disgust for Ron as would only be natural to think, but rather in full disgust for my horrid unworthy self. It’s not at all that surprising, knowing what I know. We so often wait to have the perfect words for the perfect situation. The boss that comes in to deliver that 12th agenda item right on top of the 11 others that stand precariously perched on the one below on the corner of the now too small office desk. Does he not see that pile? Does he think I sit around all day purposed for his every need and call? Or the friend who canceled your dinner plans for the third time because she was running behind from another appointment. Yep, she can’t be on time for her own funeral. Does she not respect my time just as much as she seems to respect her own! Or when the daughter comes in and tosses a now tattered Elmo book bag (which was purchased just last week!) in the middle of your living room table and each and every crumbled sheet of homework paper, or yellowed pencil shavings that just minutes before were shoved into the zippered pocket come tumbling out on your newly vacuumed rug. ARGGHHHH! I can’t take another second of you ungrateful people! Do they not know my struggles!!!! I am RIGHTEOUS, people, and worthy of your every single thought and gratitude!!!! I can also find myself very miss-guided.
• James 1:19-20 “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”
• Exodus 34:6 “The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness..”
• Numbers 14:18 “The Lord is slow to anger, abounding in love and forgiving sin and rebellion…”
• Nehemiah 9:17 “….But you are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. Therefore you did not desert them…”
• Joel 2:13 “Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity.”
• Psalm 130:4 “But with you there is forgiveness, so that we can, with reverence, serve you.”
• Genesis 2:24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
Well, James 1:19-20 sure knows how to make you pick your now lost anger up out of the middle of the laundry pile and walk away with your head down and tail between your legs. No matter if I had been right or wrong about the “what” of the situation, I found myself anything but right in that pitiful display of verbal regurgitation of my built up frustrations. I had been anything in the last 15 minutes but what I wanted to be to my husband. The same husband who has a servant’s heart I crave to mimic. The same husband I would give my everything to honor. Well, today, I failed miserably. Epic failure to respect that we all feel broken at times and without a single shred of anything left to give another person. My perspective may be right, but my reaction was 100% wrong. I let my point drive my anger and instead of finding unity, I tore a gash into our oneness with just a few spoken self-centered words. When will I master the art of choosing grace over circumstance? We are fall victim to our poor choices at times. Stupid, stupid Sally. Next time…I will do better.
This, I know. Ron and I are much wiser than any ridiculous laundry room spat over a silly errand. And I’m wise enough to know I can be an idiot. As I let my sometimes destructive guard down, in came the swell of forgiveness and overwhelming adoration for this man God placed in my path. Forgiveness. Chosen. God chose me. Ron chose me. And I chose them both in return. Is there anything better? We’ve had a crazy few emotion draining few weeks in light of the passing of Ron’s dad. We’ve been running on minimal gas. And that was the perfect fuel for this ridiculous task motivated storm. I’m guilty, but praise the Lord, I am forgiven, and therefore have the perfect example of how to muster up my knowledge of grace and spirit and use the next few hours to mold myself back into the wife I know I should be. Ron deserves that wife. God deserves that obedience. I so much better love myself when I fall into a pattern of respect for the role Ron serves in my life, the love for him that drives me into mutual submission, and the grace that lets me remain fully aware that I am not immune to self-driven stupidity. I’m going to pull it together and knock his socks off in amazement. Ok, well, I’m going to at least go pick up the sock off the laundry floor and carefully fold it just the way he likes it.
I left the room to go gather myself together, get my wits about me, find my loving forgiving self, and instead as I straightened up the pillows and picked up clothes off the floor, I seethed! The anger percolated and at that very moment both (as there can’t be more than two!) unkind words Ron had ever said to me can to mind (I was really scraping the bottom of the memory bucket) and fueled my evil wicked witch ugliness until the top could no longer be contained! “I’ll get you my pretty and your little doggy too!” I purposefully grabbed my crooked wooden broom and GPSed my self-righteous self into the laundry room where Ron happened to be washing clothes and let it all come spewing out of my bitter hearted self. I will overcome! I will tally my score! And I will leave the room cold hearted and in triumph! He will see my amazing perspective and puddle himself in a pool of regret at the bottom of my newly found ruby red glitter slippers. Gone is the you-are-my-better-half mentality and instead sat every bit of my you-would-be-a-better-man-because-of-me stupidity.
Well, it’s several hours later and it didn’t exactly turn out like my innate human self-centered person had planned. I did throw my anger driven point of view right into the center of the laundry pile along with all the dirty socks, shirts and towels, and spewed out my words in pitiful heart-filled tears escalating with every robust vowel and swirly consonant. Then, I left the room in nothing but empty lonely disgust. Though not disgust for Ron as would only be natural to think, but rather in full disgust for my horrid unworthy self. It’s not at all that surprising, knowing what I know. We so often wait to have the perfect words for the perfect situation. The boss that comes in to deliver that 12th agenda item right on top of the 11 others that stand precariously perched on the one below on the corner of the now too small office desk. Does he not see that pile? Does he think I sit around all day purposed for his every need and call? Or the friend who canceled your dinner plans for the third time because she was running behind from another appointment. Yep, she can’t be on time for her own funeral. Does she not respect my time just as much as she seems to respect her own! Or when the daughter comes in and tosses a now tattered Elmo book bag (which was purchased just last week!) in the middle of your living room table and each and every crumbled sheet of homework paper, or yellowed pencil shavings that just minutes before were shoved into the zippered pocket come tumbling out on your newly vacuumed rug. ARGGHHHH! I can’t take another second of you ungrateful people! Do they not know my struggles!!!! I am RIGHTEOUS, people, and worthy of your every single thought and gratitude!!!! I can also find myself very miss-guided.
• James 1:19-20 “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”
• Exodus 34:6 “The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness..”
• Numbers 14:18 “The Lord is slow to anger, abounding in love and forgiving sin and rebellion…”
• Nehemiah 9:17 “….But you are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. Therefore you did not desert them…”
• Joel 2:13 “Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity.”
• Psalm 130:4 “But with you there is forgiveness, so that we can, with reverence, serve you.”
• Genesis 2:24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
Well, James 1:19-20 sure knows how to make you pick your now lost anger up out of the middle of the laundry pile and walk away with your head down and tail between your legs. No matter if I had been right or wrong about the “what” of the situation, I found myself anything but right in that pitiful display of verbal regurgitation of my built up frustrations. I had been anything in the last 15 minutes but what I wanted to be to my husband. The same husband who has a servant’s heart I crave to mimic. The same husband I would give my everything to honor. Well, today, I failed miserably. Epic failure to respect that we all feel broken at times and without a single shred of anything left to give another person. My perspective may be right, but my reaction was 100% wrong. I let my point drive my anger and instead of finding unity, I tore a gash into our oneness with just a few spoken self-centered words. When will I master the art of choosing grace over circumstance? We are fall victim to our poor choices at times. Stupid, stupid Sally. Next time…I will do better.
This, I know. Ron and I are much wiser than any ridiculous laundry room spat over a silly errand. And I’m wise enough to know I can be an idiot. As I let my sometimes destructive guard down, in came the swell of forgiveness and overwhelming adoration for this man God placed in my path. Forgiveness. Chosen. God chose me. Ron chose me. And I chose them both in return. Is there anything better? We’ve had a crazy few emotion draining few weeks in light of the passing of Ron’s dad. We’ve been running on minimal gas. And that was the perfect fuel for this ridiculous task motivated storm. I’m guilty, but praise the Lord, I am forgiven, and therefore have the perfect example of how to muster up my knowledge of grace and spirit and use the next few hours to mold myself back into the wife I know I should be. Ron deserves that wife. God deserves that obedience. I so much better love myself when I fall into a pattern of respect for the role Ron serves in my life, the love for him that drives me into mutual submission, and the grace that lets me remain fully aware that I am not immune to self-driven stupidity. I’m going to pull it together and knock his socks off in amazement. Ok, well, I’m going to at least go pick up the sock off the laundry floor and carefully fold it just the way he likes it.
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