Feb. 13: Valentine's week. Boy, am I beyond grateful for being out of the dating scene. The pressure of valentine's day on a dating relationship can lead to all kinds of mishaps. Where do I take her, what do I buy her? Is a chocolate heart too over the time? A heart shaped pendant? I do NOT want to be a guy this time of year. And if he forgot the day all together, heaven forbid. I love that valentine's day fell into the background when we got married. We celebrate with dinner out and never on valentine's days. No gifts exchanged. Just dinner out and no pressure around what to wear and what to buy (or not buy). Where is this going, you ask? Well, romance, physical intimacy, and just plain ole love and like can be a tricky thing. Let me prepare you. The transparancy is about to come out again. I promise to try and restrain myself a tad in the process, but I was so intrigued by a question my breast surgeon asked me at my last appointment. I debated on whether to ever bring this up, but alas Valentine's Day seemed the perfect time to throw it all out there. And for the record, you are not allowed to ever mention this post to me in public. So why am I sharing it? I think it's important for women (and as Ron says, husbands too) to know and that was the whole point of this blog. Prepare the unprepared.
"Sally, I need to ask you a personal question and you don't have to answer, but I feel like since you work in oncology you will understand my asking. Also, my motive is so I can know whether I need to talk to other patients about this. Did you and your husband have problems with intimacy and body image after your mastectomy?"
I will spare you the response and the dialogue that came about, but we all know I struggled with body image if you read even one of my posts from the Fall. I really was intrigued by how this physician cared enough to want to incorporate into her every day conversations with the patient how the mastectomy potentially impacts the emotional aspects of husband and wife. I strongly encouraged her to do so knowing my own vanity struggles with the imposters (See post from Aug 31). No matter how great the reconsturctive work, it is still an adjustment to something foreign. They just aren't what you've seen for 30+ years. And they are so closely tied to your identity as a female. There is definitely some time needed for mental adjustment. And some time to simply physically heal from all of the scarring and edema. I know I was not fully prepared for that. And I later found out how hard it is on the husband to not know what to expect. The surgeon confirmed my suspicions. She described relationships falling apart and women navigating this course alone. The husbands are paralyzed by what the wife is experiencing. How will the wife handle this? Will she sail through? Where are all of these emotions coming from? They just weren't prepared. I truly think there should be classes for the spouses to attend to prepare them for the highs and lows. I was so blessed that God gave me Ron who just took it all in stride, but boy do I worry about that couples that don't have a support system in place. I truly believe a mastectomy can wreck all things in it's path if allowed and not carefully prepared (prayed) for.
So if a mastectomy is in your path- ask questions. Involve yourself in dialogue with women who have navigated those waters. Have your husband ask questions. Surround yourself with people who love you unconditionally (they really do exist out there!). Find yourself a surgeon who wants to be involved in the big picture. Give yourself some time to heal. And if you just sail through it without a second thought, just consider yourself blessed.
I'm excited about valentine's week. I want to celebrate a husband who supported me without a flinch when I doubted everything about my physical self. I've still only looked in the mirror twice since the imposters joined the ranks, but the thought of it doesn't revolt me anymore. It's just something I don't prefer. Lead Plastic Surgeon truly did do his "very best work", so what do I have to lose, right? I've embraced Boob 1 and Boob 2. They have found a loving home. I haven't forgotten their predecessors, but I welcome the imposters all the same. And it's about time!
HappyValentine's week. I hope you have found a spouse even half as great as mine. (And if you're still waiting, don't settle! It's well worth the wait.)
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February 6, 2013 - Six months - For I know the plans...
February 6: I think one of the hardest things to do in life is sit back and wait in faith or plunge forward to accomplish a goal in blind faith. This came to mind today when a former student, turned friend, turned colleague of mine sought me out for advice in a sticky situation at work. It’s so very easy to let our anxieties and stress about a situation propel us to act prematurely in efforts to control a situation out of fear of the possible outcomes. If we can just push a decision to be made, or steer involved parties into our own agenda, we can control the outcomes…sometimes for the better….sometimes for the worse. That’s the trouble. You never know which outcome will result. I fully believe stress serves its purpose. It can be an incredible propellant and motivator for action and change, but there is a very fine line between becoming a positive influence and a negative one that results in a plan so very carefully developed by Sally and so drastically out of the hands of God. And therein lies the dilemma and why so many Christians find ourselves paralyzed in decision making. Is this God’s will? Is this Sally’s will? Are they one in the same? Are they in drastic conflict? We truly want what is best, but we are afraid God isn’t moving quickly enough for that to come about. Or we aren’t tuned up in our relationship with God that we miss the signs all together. We trust ourselves more than we trust him when we run head first into struggles that threaten to pierce our comfort zone. I’m praying with expectation for my collegue to find her way as she is in a place that feels out of her comfort zone, and I’m reminded of my ongoing growth in this every day struggle.
Almost 3 years ago, I was facing some very serious internal struggles with my career (very similar to what my friend is facing now). I had hit a rut that I didn’t feel was lining up with prioritizing family time first and also taking care of self so that I had any form of longevity in this life. More generically, those of us that are self-proclaimed over achievers in our careers too often hit rocky patches when there is a minor external tweak to our career plan. We live in fear of everything not being perfectly planned, perfectly navigated, perfectly accomplished. The introduction of a new schedule, the conflict of life balance, the entry of a new employee that doesn’t quite fit the bill, or the exit of a beloved boss to be replaced with an unknown can send us into a tail spin desperately seeking a solution to something that hasn’t even fully declared itself as a problem. We overachieve in our careers. Unfortunately, we also overachieve in our self-driven problem solving. Well 3 years ago, when I was faced with a decision to stay put or make some fairly drastic changes, I wanted so desperately to involve God to a level that the outcome was I wasn’t allowed to act on my own as I was so inclined to do as an instant gratifier. I knew leaving something I knew and loved would be an enormous career risk for me, and I realized I needed God to guide me at every single turn in that decision so I didn’t screw that up. So this admitted instant gratifier female stepped back and prayed with an intensity I don’t recall ever experiencing before. I prayed night and day, day and night. And the first week passed, then the second week, then the month, then 6 months, then a year, then TWO years of consistent focused praying for an outcome and guidance. I literally had to consciously restrain myself from acting. I just sat and waited. I waited for peace. I waited for clarity. I waited for the emotions to drain out of me and rational clarity to replace it. I boggled back and forth to from fear to peace until one day the peace won over. It was absolutely one of the most rewarding experiences of my career and faith. After two years of prayer I removed all doubt of me making the decision alone and recognized God’s blessing in his guidance. I felt the nudge to act and quit my job to transition into something else. If you had asked me 10 years ago if I would have ever done that you would have gotten a very confident absolute NO! It’s weird how goals and plans change at a moments notice. And when that happened rather unexpectedly, I knew that after such intense prayer and seeking of a plan I could have absolute faith and trust in what was to come. Even though this career change has resulted in one of the most difficult years of my career life, I still have the utmost faith that God put me here in this moment for whatever reason. I may not adore every second of it, but I can still reside in confidence that for this moment He chose this for me and that makes it more tolerable to go through the trenches and get dirty with the team while we navigate these murky waters. But the rewards aren’t limited to peace in my job decision. As a result of that experience, I have another concrete example of God’s faithfulness to prayer. And a concrete example of how choosing with God is so much more rewarding that navigating myself in fear of a potential outcome. I can have faith that even the tough road in the trenches can bring about peace and faith in His plan. It can turn an instant gratifier into a watch and wait embracer. It also can make a decision to trust God in his plans for a mastectomy so much easier to make. I love a trickle down effect.
Tomorrow marks 6 months of post mastectomy journeys.
“For I know the plans I have for you….” Jeremiah 29:11
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