February 20, 2017 - A safe place to land

I am a person with a double edged sword.  It’s not a new discovery, something I have been chiseling at over the past 4 ½ years as God carried me to and through double mastectomy, but rather something more finely caricatured this last year and particularly this last month as I pick at every character flaw as one would when navigating the frailty of life following the premature death of a loved one.  My sword will cut you. It has cut you if you have known me for any length of time.  One side of my sword cradles you in its curvature like a hammock against the human form. It’s warm and inviting begging you to bask in the safety of my being, for I cherish relationship and create gravitational pull to my center. The other, less nourished side when carelessly flipped with the switch of my hand, will bring a slit to your heart and leave you broken. But you see, they lie in tandem. Both are attached to the same handle. And with one, you get the other.

We live in a world where we all long to and claim to be tolerant, caring, willing to help you out of your whatever. “Are you depressed? Come find me and I will help you out. Are struggling with addiction? Reach out to me and I will help you find resources. Are you in the middle of infidelity? Grab my hand and we will walk the road together. Is pornography filling your screen? My outlet is your answer. Is financial burden weighing you down? I’m here to help you find the next steps. Are you considering suicide? I’ve been there too.” We seem to have all the right words to fit all the right/wrong scenarios when we know they are going on. And we truly believe we are the person to carry the weight of the situation with our friends when we find out our friends are in trouble. Words spoken at all the right times is not our problem. This is where we excel. We have it all figured out how to be the right friend at exactly the right time. But God is really starting to work in my heart about where I might be failing in all of this.

I’ve  recently been looking at this a different way. I think most of us can say we all would go above and beyond to help our friends get whatever help they needed if they simply came an asked us for it. I think the problem doesn’t lie in whether we would help when asked but rather in whether we have created a safe place for them to even come and ask at all. This is where I fear I may have greatly failed people. You see, I am a person with a double edged sword and my sword has cut you.

Here’s the scenario. I’m sitting at dinner with a group of friends and we say:

 “Tasha lost her job because she showed up drunk. How could anyone do that?” I just subconsciously said to everyone at the table, if you are struggling with alcohol, I am not a safe place to land. 

“I can’t believe she is taking him back. She is letting him walk all over her.” I just subconsciously said to everyone at the table, if you are struggling in your marriage, I am not a safe place to land.

“I don’t know how Susan can deal with it. I would be mortified.” I just told everyone at the table, if your teenage daughter ever gets pregnant, I am not a safe place to land.

“Why in the world would anyone not pay their bills?” I just subconsciously said to everyone at the table, if you are struggling with your finances, I am not a safe place to land.

“I can forgive anything, but I cannot forgive someone lying to me.” I just told everyone at the table, if you ever make a mistake with me, I am not a safe place to land.

“How could anyone consider ever suicide? How selfish!” I just subconsciously said, I’m not a safe place to land.

“My next door neighbor just got arrested for drugs. It’s the talk of the neighborhood.”  I just told everyone at the table, if you ever make that mistake you will be too, I am not a safe place to land.

“Pornography. There simply is no forgiving that.” You’ve got it. I’m not a safe place to land.

“I don’t understand how people simply cannot put the fork down.” If obesity and weight loss is your struggle, I’m not a safe place to land.

And just in case we’ve never said any of the above……

“Did you hear….” You’ve got it, I can’t keep your heartbreaking miscarriage secret either… I’m not a safe place to land.

There are hundreds of scenarios (these may seem over simplified and silly above, but you get the point). If you didn’t find yourself in one of the bolded sentences, create your own. I promise we are all in something. And they happen multiple times a day in our conversations. Ask yourself, just like I had to ask myself almost a year ago and now more recently as I dig myself apart during grief. Are you a safe place to land? I’m wondering how many of my friends have struggles they are going through privately that maybe they could have come to me with had I been better about verbally creating a safe place for them to land. I think specifically about a coworker who successfully committed suicide a few years back. I don’t carry guilt about that, for we aren’t to do that, but we are to carry awareness and change for moving forward. I think about it in conversations to choose my words wisely when discussing topics that would otherwise often carry judgement. We never know who is actively participating in the conversation or even overhearing from across the workroom and what their internal struggle is. Are they desperately hanging on by a thread and searching for a safe place to land?

Women undergoing mastectomy are in an emotional journey and they need a safe place to land. I discovered this 4 years ago, so I prayed long and hard and with God's prompting accepted being vulnerable and went public with that journey. Now I’m discovering it in some other areas of my life, most recently grief and traumatic grief with the tragic loss of my brother after his accidental death a few weeks ago. Maybe I can be a safe place for you to land in your future if you face something similar. I've said in the past, you never know what your future will bring and therfore what you will become an advocate for. But also, more relate-able to every day life, I’m searching my soul more with this short post about where are we being judgmental in our open conversations and stripping people of safe places to reach out for help when they need it? This post doesn’t carry a lot in it, but it’s a topic that’s been heavy on my heart for a while now, particularly this past week while I was away. We need to rid ourselves of our judgmental swords and create safe environments. The former takes a lot of soul searching, but the latter really just takes a little practice and shift in conversation. We owe it to the people around us because there is so very much at stake. Most likely, as in the case of my coworker, she may have needed me more than we realized. 



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