August 1, 2016- Deflated Balloons

Tomorrow is August 1. August as a month holds a lot of memories for me. Twenty five years ago my lymphoma when into remission in August. Ten years later, I was labeled as “cured”, also in August. Four years ago, I had my double mastectomy, also in August. Four years ago, I had surgery number 2 in the breast series to start breast reconstruction, also in August. Last year, I had surgery number 6 in the breast series, also in August. August holds a lot. August is a heavy month.

I’ve never been one to celebrate cancer mile stones. I don’t exactly know why I don’t do that. Almost everyone I know does that. I love celebrating your milestone with you. Balloons, cake, dinner, trips, whatever, whenever. It’s all wonderful and something almost everyone does, and does well! But for me, I always held this moment as a memory, not a celebration. I don’t know if this is survivor’s guilt? I don’t know if this is because I am terrible at celebrating (really, I am, I build something up in my head and it turns into deflated balloons and a molded piece of cake that never got eaten)? I don’t know if this is because it feels awkward? Most likely it a combination of all of the above plus a few more for good measure. I have plenty of friends who don’t get to celebrate milestones because they didn’t survive the diagnosis. I’d much rather celebrate their journey and the lives they touched even in their death rather than my “success”. It also always felt a little weird to celebrate an achievement because when it really comes down to it, I didn’t do a single thing to survive. I simply showed up each day when they asked me to and got my treatment. My survival is no great achievement on my part. So it just felt weird flaunting this stepping stone year after year. This year, it was a biggie. Twenty-five years lymphoma-free! That's crazy. So I wanted to try this attempt at celebration …..And I even flubbed that up. I wanted to go simple. Ease my way in. I can pull off simple, or so I thought. I bought two slices of cheesecake (guess Ron should have one too, huh?) on a whim while doing my grocery shopping earlier that day. Dinner rolled along, I pull out the cheesecake, popped the plastic lid open, grabbed a fork, and took a bite….and then…well what am I supposed to do next? Make a speech? Thank Ron and Oliver for attending the celebration? Give Ron a high five? Give a shout out of “I did it! I survived!”? It just simply felt awkward. Really awkward. I took my one bite (I was too full from dinner to finish the slice), close the lid, put it back into the fridge and we headed back out to the garage to finish cleaning.

Maybe I didn’t do it up enough. Maybe I should have planned a dinner out and invited people over. Maybe I should have set aside something other than just opening the fridge and pulling out a piece of cake shoved in a plastic takeout container. Maybe I should have realized that today was July 31 and not August 1^st. Yeah, I remembered that just before sitting down to write this tonight. Maybe my thoughts shouldn’t have been on the people that didn’t make it.

Hours later, it was getting dark outside and I could hear the thunder rolling in so I went outside and laid down in my driveway.  I wanted a few moments to decompress from the day. And while staring up at the lightning show God had given me, it hit me. I’ve had it wrong all along. Just as I was feeling let down and out of sorts, God gave me my favorite thing: A thunder storm. And it was spectacular! And I was reminded that none of this celebration rig-a-ma-roll should have ever been about me. I was missing the boat! I was trying to feel something I didn’t feel: accomplishment. My celebration should have instead been about God’s accomplishment: His provision. He gave me the thunderstorm to remind me he gave me survival. For some, death comes and even in that God has provision, particularly for those left behind who may grow closer to him and to others around them in the process of loss. In death he can bring restoration, forgiveness, longing for something outside of ourselves, a purpose to propel us forward as we grieve. Sometimes we don’t understand what he brings us, but it’s there, just waiting to be discovered. For others, like me, He may give survival.  He gives us provision in and through our stories that follow survival. We have the opportunity to be a conduit of his grace and mercy as our stories unfold. I think had I had THIS be the  focus of my celebration of what he is and has done in my life for the past 25 years of surviving, my celebrations would have been heartfelt and purposeful (for me who struggles to celebrate self). My celebration simply needed to be realigned around his provision to me, my family, and my friends by keeping me around to finish My Story.

So I’m having a do-over (or I am at least going to give it a try!). I am finishing my piece of cheesecake tomorrow actually ON August 1^st. It’s kind of late, so I am not going big for tomorrow. I’m sticking with the store bought cheesecake that is still sitting in my fridge, but then I am going to have little celebrations throughout the month (maybe a dinner out with a close girlfriend, maybe asking for cards or posts here on social media with bible verses of provision to be sent to me by friends - would you do that for me?, maybe set aside a day with Ron to just love on life, find and cherish time spent with family) as a testament of God growing me through the last 25 years. This feels manageable, something I actually could get in to, and better focused by focusing nothing on my achievement and all on Him, because really, all I did was show up.  

Here’s to twenty five years of awesome memories, incredible friends, life changing moments that I hold dear, storied shared, mistakes made, boobs removed, lungs challenged, hearts touched, challenges accepted, Christ-focusing journeys journeyed, lives loved, and even lives lost for in your loss I continue to find myself. He’s not finished with me yet. I am better for knowing each of you, and I hope you are better for knowing me too.

Hear ye, Hear ye! Let the celebration month begin!






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