July 24, 2014 - Pink sharpie

Well, I've got some good news! I'm excited to report I did not have to pay the usual $45 for my doctor's appointment this week. I got a deal- buy one lipomodeling surgery get one clinic visit free! Woo hoo! Yep, that's the good thing I have to report. Bask in it, relish it, roll around and enjoy it. Free visit!!!! Learning to find the silver lining in these Imposters and getting pretty dang good at distraction.

I sat in the waiting room for a bit over an hour (Lead Plastic Surgeon was running behind schedule). Next to me was this adorable lady in her late 60s, if I had to guess, who had recently undergone mastectomy and she had not yet entered the reconstructive phase (if she had plans to at all). She was wearing her infusion pump on her waist and she and her husband where happy little larks just chatting away about their activities of the week. I kept thinking to myself that she was the perfect example of finding peace in circumstance. I wanted to get into her head, hear about her journey, and I was secretly hoping she had chosen to NOT have reconstruction. Here she was prancing into her appointment with no effort to distract from her concaveness. I want to be that confident – or at least that is how she seemed. While she was sitting there content with her day, my stomach was all tied up in knots. The irony of that. Me = no chemo = all tied up in knots. Her = chemo= happy as a lark.

I wasn't at all upset that he was running, almost an hour by now, behind schedule. The longer I sat in that office chair, the longer I was away from that examining room and what I knew deep down in my heart was the inevitable. I actually laughed at myself for being so nervous, but sometimes our subconscious rules the roost. Then came the nurse out to get me and in I went feeling like I was going to lose the contents of my stomach all over my little slipper shoe and her pink scrubs.

Lead Plastic Surgeon was so kind and thoughtful. He could tell I did not want to be there so we chatted about work before we got down to the nitty gritty. Follow-up from the lipomodeling was a great report out. The area looked as expected, and so far there was little to no fat reabsorption (remember: sometimes the fat reabsorbs over time and you have to have the procedure repeated over time). Off to a good start. Then the dreaded news…option #2 was the winner. The implant has slipped out of place. You may recall that when he put the implant in, he had to attach a mesh sling to hold the implant since the pectoral (chest) muscle wasn't large enough to do the duty. When we went in a year ago for the cellulitis infection surgery, he noted that on the right breast, the sling had never incorporated into the tissue like it was supposed to. So now we are wondering if that happened on the left side as well, therefore leaving the implant unsupported. It happens sometimes and it looks like it happened to me. And it won't fix itself and could worsen if left unattended. Hello, Surgery, so very nice to see you again. I've missed you so.

We both are nervous about opening up the breast again. Each time we touch and expose the implant, we increase the risk of infection. And since I've already "been there done that" with the left breast, we don't want to risk that with the right. So, he has come up with this beautiful plan of manipulating the skin to lift up the implant. This way we don't have to expose the implant during surgery. Picture a water balloon. Squeeze the bottom of the balloon and the water is forced up to the top. Water = implant. Balloon = skin. We will cut out a portion of the skin at the bottom and then suture it back up in hopes of lifting the implant back into place. As Ron says, it's a bit nauseating to think about, but it gets me a much easier surgery and much quicker recovery time. And I get a new battle scar! (You will recall this is the part I detest, so I'm having to get used to that idea of a new prominent scar.) But I score all of this with no DRAINs so a woman will celebrate that silver lining.

I won't lie to you. I'm bummed. I may or may not have walked around the house a little preoccupied this evening. I may or may not have called my mom and cried a little. It seemed inevitable with the drunkard boob appearance, but I really wanted to be wrong. I had prepared myself for this outcome, but when it was confirmed I felt a little heart (and stomach) drop. Nothing to do but pull myself together and look forward to our very LAST boob surgery. #5 is a charm, right?

We haven't set a date yet. I have a few things I need to try and work around and I need to build up some time off. These surgeries have run me dry! The terrific news is surgery should only last about an hour. A few days off work. And then about 3 weeks of restrictions so the scar doesn't open up. He gave me permission to take some time to enjoy the summer for a bit before I enter the water restrictions that come with surgery. Another silver lining. They are all around if I search enough. My outlook is good (after the last 24 hours of not so much). My best friend recommended we drown our sorrow in a tattoo. She's a giver isn't she? I landed on a pink awareness ribbon on the side of Boob 1. Don't worry, Mom, I'm gonna do it with a pink sharpie.

Jeremiah 29: 11. "For I know the plans I have for you..." Now for me to be faithful and to do my part.